Many months ago, around New Years, I announced my resolution for the year and that I wanted to begin with a clean slate for 2006 whereby I carpet-forgave everyone who had ever hurt me, ever did anything to me at all, bar only one person, who at the time I could see no feasible way to forgive.
But I've had a lot of time to sort through things over the past 101 days and I figured it was time to finish this little one off for good. For one, when they dwell on the past, does not live, does not evolve, is stuck in essence in a rut unwilling to let go on the has-beens and what-ifs of our life.
**I would also just like to say right here and now that I don't care who reads this. It is personal, yes, very much so, but it is to my benefit for those who know me to know this little bit of very personal information. So please read on. And by all means never think that I'm unwilling to talk to you about any of it.**
So here it goes in probably the most personal thing I've ever wrote:
To Dad, (I dare not say dear of course, because you were never really dear to me)
Since Day One you have made my life a living hell, one nightmare after another after another and I can't stand it anymore. I'm moving on. I no longer have the energy or desire to give a damn about our little fight. It just doesn't matter anymore. I've learned a few things in the past months, true happiness, compassion, love, fear, embarrassment, and more. The real emotions not the contorted ones you procure.
For my entire life you have impeded my wellbeing. Your verbal, emotional, and yes at times physical abuses took place for years, for years before I was able to defend myself. But I can defend myself now, as you no doubt have realized. And soon enough, I will do for myself exactly what I should've done years ago. Move on.
I understand that not all of it is your fault totally. You grew up I know, under much the same condition, an occurrence I personally could trace back four generations. Four generations of inexcusable, irresponsible, detrimental, horrendous behavior. I know that you were a victim of some of the same that you have now put me through. I know this, better than you realize.
You are stunted emotionally. But even after all you've done to me, I've not lost quite everything you have. And I'm fixing the damage feverishly that you did do to me I might add. You have a problem expressing love and a severe issue with anger management. You are not good with people of any age. I know this; I've lived it. For nineteen years I lived it. Did I ever live it! And miraculously I survived too.
Our fights were monumental. I don't think anyone reading this could ever truly understand how they really were. Not even close. I can't remember the number of times I lost my voice and beyond. I can't count the hours of wasted life. I can't even begin. I've left years of my life in wake of these fights. I know it and you know it. No one else could possibly know exactly what I mean, having not seen the end result of one of our bigger goes. But it happened, and I daresay it's left me more mentally scarred than you could ever understand.
But I'm not writing this to describe the activities of two people who's combined hardheadedness has dented walls, scared neighbors and children, and emotionally enclosed members of our own family. I know that you care but that you are unable to express it most of the time. I won't end up that way. I will never lay a hand on any of my progeny or mate(s). I will not. I can't, and ironically, you've in doing everything that you've done to me given me the only foolproof defense against it. The greatest fear I have is that one day for even one millionth of a second that I'll turn out just like you. But I won't let that happen. I will not continue this course; I will not force onto my progeny the error of your ways and your inability to control yourself.
I do fear one other thing though, I it's coming true before my eyes. And this scares me more than anything else. My brother is continuing it. He is and I can't stop it. He's turning into you. And now I've got one duty left to this line of emotional dysfunction, to be that much more immune, that much more diligent, that much more present, and to some how some way find a way to break down the walls he's erected as I once nearly did. I don't know yet what I'm going to do, but believe me I will find a way. I have to find a way before he does something to someone else again.
I know that if you ever see this letter that you will not understand what I mean. I don't think you ever could. Not really. But it's reason is not for your personal wellbeing, but for mine. I'm going to beat the damage you've inflicted. You better believe it. And then I'll stop it from being spread through my brother. And then, if I can, I will come help you if for the very least my mom can be happy again.
But for now I have to finish fixing the damage you inflicted on me, which I have suspicion was worse than to either my brother or sister, and to correct this dysfunction I have to say this:
I forgive you. I forgive your shortcomings and your inability to express emotion properly. I forgive you for the damage you've inflicted on me, the likes of which few will ever truly understand. I forgive you for ruining my childhood. I forgive you for introverting my personality against it's wishes. I forgive you for thinking that school grades are paramount to happiness and for convincing me the same for so many years. I forgive you for ever laying a hand on me in anger or under the guise of punishment. In short I forgive your for your parental and emotional inaptitude.
So now I've said what I wanted to for my benefit. But I also want to give you one warning. One very serious and dire warning. If you ever lay a hand on a member of my family EVER again, so help you because there is nineteen years of shit that a less civilized me would love to return in kind. And know that I am stronger than you. I am tougher than you now. And you cannot intimidate me. Just keep that in mind if ever you decide to strike out at my family again.
Sincerely, (as I do literally mean)
BRS
"FlyFreeForever"
No comments:
Post a Comment