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Rantings of a Mad Man Part XII (Revised)

Based on personal experience I've come to a conclusion: There is a direct correlation between the attractiveness of the nurse and the discomfort had from bloodwork or an i.v. no bull shitting, I'm serious.

Do you have any idea how much money I could make if I had a time machine and a dozen PS3's?

Most boring jobs in the world....
  1. The guy that puts the dimples on golf balls.
  2. The guy who checks to see if jigsaw puzzles have all the right pieces.
  3. Ann Coulter's dietitian.
  4. Michael Moore's dietitian.
  5. ATM Braille installer.


The patent on Viagra has expired. Uh-oh.

Mark McGuire didn't into the Hall of Fame. One down, one to go. We're coming for you Barry.

Have you seen that new commercial about 3-5 second male enhancement? Yeah, it's called an erection Chief.

Your grandparents have had more sex that you.

Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for sniffing glue on the highway. He claimed false advertisement.

Orgasm clears the sinuses. I've already mentioned this, but I thought it was rather important.

The Apple iPhone? It's $600 fucking dollars! Excuse me Steve m'boy, are you trying to make people have to decide between oil heat and phones this winter?

Have you seen the Lunesta commercials, you know the sleep-aid with the butterflies? Why do they tell you that one side-affect of the medication is drowsiness? I figured that would be obvious, but maybe I'm wrong.

The Most Dangerous Jobs...

  1. Parachute tester.
  2. Kamikaze grenadier.
  3. Fork-in-toaster retriever.


I've given this a lot of thought and I've come up with the world's most random word. Ducksauce. If I needed a new screen name it would be that. (It is not that).

What is with washed up singers trying to get onto the silver screen? Do they actually think that if they failed at something that they were moderately good at that they would be good at something they have absolutely no talent in?

How old is Wilie Nelson? Seriously.

How big is the universe? The universe is in the shape of the five-dimensional equivalent of a sphere. Having there no means for mass to increase or decrease in the universe, gravity's power is always constant. Therefore the amount of gravity in the universe is always constant. Therefore, regardless of the size of the universe, one cannot escape gravity, as if you could escape gravity then you would escape the universe, which is impossible. This means that the universe's size must be less than the amount of gravity needed to keep you in it. So, how big is the universe? Well it's smaller than the amount of gravity needed to keep you in. Haha, you thought I had a real answer. Pft, not in a rant.

David Beckham will make more money next year in LA than Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, and Curt Schilling combined. Does that sound right to you? Or smart?

Why is there a legal limit of BAC? Does this really sound like a good thing? Aren't we just telling everyone that they can be a little drunk, but not too drunk if they want to drive?

Worst Names....

  1. Hortence
  2. Prudence
  3. Sorboni
  4. Ducksauce


If a library catches fire do you throw more fire at it or do you spray it with water? If people are shooting each other in Iraq do we throw more people at them?

Why are some dogs worth more than others? Seriously people, no dog is worth $1500!

Then again maybe cats should cost that much. At least then those batty old women would stop collecting vast arrays of our feline friends.

George Bush can now open our mail. Really? Him personally? Can a man who can't find his way out of a paper bag actually find his way into your mail? I doubt it.

How can American car companies actually be losing money? Have you seen how many goddamn Fords are on the road? Honestly, someone get them a financial advisor.

Something fishy is going on here. In this country there are five or six major airlines. And they're all going under? How is this possible? Seriously!

And...

If the Patriots beat the Colts I promise not to bring them up on charges of animal abuse.

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