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Restrictions

Now and then I'll go back and read some of the things that I've posted in the past and, as you may have noticed by the lack of posts and the general tone I've taken in the past few years, I frequently feel tapped out of material to talk about.  It's not true that I don't have new ideas or concepts.  Insights abound, but frequently, especially as of late I feel like there are breakwaters holding back exactly what I want to say.  Sometimes it feels like no matter what words I use, it doesn't completely adequately express what I'm trying to say.  Language fails me and it never used to.  Perhaps it's confidence; perhaps it's practice. 

As I sit here and type I think, as I always do as I post.  There's an internal monologue going on reflecting on how what I'm saying comes across and gauging how well what I've said is illuminating my thoughts.  And, I've just been well off the mark for a long time.  That makes me want to post less and less.  It make the task of writing feel difficult.  It feels like a task or chore that I have to complete rather than self-expression. 

I realize as I sit here thinking about it, that the answer is pretty simple.  Many of my posts back in the day were very controversial to me.  That I put out my views for anyone to see was very personal.  I think that personal touch is what is missing.  The emotion.  The piece of who I am is missing from my writing.  I've become fairly robotic in a sense.  I do relay emotion, but not in a way that makes me vulnerable.  It's the vulnerability that made my posts of a strong quality to me in my head. 

I'm well aware that except for a few select posts, most of the time I write only for myself, but the act of putting that vulnerability out there was what made this a powerful experience for me.  I will have to try to put more of myself out there again in the future.  There is so so much going on.  Life didn't end when college did.  Although sometimes it definitely feels that way.  I'm still around.  And I'm still alive and kicking.  It's about time I put myself out there again.  My whole self.  Unguarded.  Open to wound.  Open to the world.

The first act that I'd like to do to accomplish this is to publish my full name right here.  But, I know that a lot of the stuff here would harm my life if I was attached to it.  More than anything, I would like to.  But I can't.  It's worth my job to continue to protect myself there.  But I will tell you one thing.

My name is Bryan and that's going to have to do for now.

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