This is the thirteenth installment of the Rantings of a Mad Man Series, and being said part, I figured nothing would be as fitting as an essay on unluckiness and eccentricities.
For instance, the number "13" is unlucky because Judas would be the 13th Apostle. And we all know how well that supposedly turned out. Though on closer inspection, I would think it would be the luckiest number of all. After all without his betrayal, man wouldn't be allowed into Heaven, right? Well, that's how the story goes at any rate. And maybe I'll start believing it when the Church stops asking for money and opens up the decaying Vatican Archives to the public. Meh, it'll never happen; I'm safe.
Broken mirrors cause bad luck? Well I suppose this comes from some base root of the Amish not liking their photo taken, as they believe it steals their soul. Break the mirror, destroy your soul. Now THAT is worth bad luck. Well, if it were real.
Opening an umbrella in the house. Well this is just common sense. I know someone sometime as a child opened an umbrella in the house and poked their younger brother or sister in the eye. They went crying to mommy and then both you and the rest of the world were never allowed to live the one incident down.
Cross the path of a black cat. Hmm... I'm sensing racism. How about you?
Step on a crack, break your mother's back (or fall and break your back). As for the prior, I see this as a mother's over-mothering guilt trip. Leave your damn kids alone for fuck's sake. The latter I see coming from an anal retentive little pre-Madonna channeling his mother who's got him so twisted around her finger that the world revolves around making her happy no matter the cost. Hmm... Freud would love that answer.
(Speaking of anal retentive.... What is the technical term for someone who's constipated?)
What's so wrong about wearing white after Labor Day? Afraid you're gonna blend in with the snow and get hit by oncoming traffic?
"Wear a hat or you'll catch pneumonia" said your mom. Did you EVER actually catch pneumonia?
Sex by the Billing's Method? You've gotta be kidding me. No wonder you had a little sister.
Don't scream in Church? Come on! Have you ever heard the echo? The reverberation of the Church bells? The simultaneous turning of three dozen heads? The look on the priest's face after you've shouted out "pecker tracks" in the middle of his sermon?
Why do we speak closer, slower, and louder to old people. They're old not stupid.
Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when the batteries are dying?
Why do people think that a gay couple will raise inherently gay children? If this were the case, so too would be the reverse. A straight couple would only raise straight children. How then did this all come about in the first place?
If a bottle of juice only has 10% juice, what's the rest of it?
Why do they caffeinate coffee and soda just to decaffeinate it again using harmful chemicals?
The only sanctioned way to get rid of holy statues is to bury them. Pft, I've got a hammer, give me six seconds to find my gloves.
What is the Mormon take on adultery?
Harry Potter is a sinful work. Really? Then why don't you ban it so everyone will read it.
Money for sex is illegal but money for a prostate exam is mandatory? C'mon! What, is it the MD? Get Hugh Hefner to create a college program for prostitutes already! At least during that exam you won't feel embarrassed about getting wood.
And... What is it with baseball players and superstitions? Come on now, do you really think that tapping the plate three times, crossing yourself, adjusting your gloves, spitting on your gloved hands, rubbing them together six times in a counter-clockwise fashion, waving the bat twice in circles over your left shoulder and then your right will actually increase your chances of hitting the ball? I say that trying to remember to do all that, then worrying about forgetting something, going back and starting over again, and choking under pressure, will just make you hit less. Or maybe it'll get the pitcher to hit you more. Either way, I'm a supporter of that.
For instance, the number "13" is unlucky because Judas would be the 13th Apostle. And we all know how well that supposedly turned out. Though on closer inspection, I would think it would be the luckiest number of all. After all without his betrayal, man wouldn't be allowed into Heaven, right? Well, that's how the story goes at any rate. And maybe I'll start believing it when the Church stops asking for money and opens up the decaying Vatican Archives to the public. Meh, it'll never happen; I'm safe.
Broken mirrors cause bad luck? Well I suppose this comes from some base root of the Amish not liking their photo taken, as they believe it steals their soul. Break the mirror, destroy your soul. Now THAT is worth bad luck. Well, if it were real.
Opening an umbrella in the house. Well this is just common sense. I know someone sometime as a child opened an umbrella in the house and poked their younger brother or sister in the eye. They went crying to mommy and then both you and the rest of the world were never allowed to live the one incident down.
Cross the path of a black cat. Hmm... I'm sensing racism. How about you?
Step on a crack, break your mother's back (or fall and break your back). As for the prior, I see this as a mother's over-mothering guilt trip. Leave your damn kids alone for fuck's sake. The latter I see coming from an anal retentive little pre-Madonna channeling his mother who's got him so twisted around her finger that the world revolves around making her happy no matter the cost. Hmm... Freud would love that answer.
(Speaking of anal retentive.... What is the technical term for someone who's constipated?)
What's so wrong about wearing white after Labor Day? Afraid you're gonna blend in with the snow and get hit by oncoming traffic?
"Wear a hat or you'll catch pneumonia" said your mom. Did you EVER actually catch pneumonia?
Sex by the Billing's Method? You've gotta be kidding me. No wonder you had a little sister.
Don't scream in Church? Come on! Have you ever heard the echo? The reverberation of the Church bells? The simultaneous turning of three dozen heads? The look on the priest's face after you've shouted out "pecker tracks" in the middle of his sermon?
Why do we speak closer, slower, and louder to old people. They're old not stupid.
Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when the batteries are dying?
Why do people think that a gay couple will raise inherently gay children? If this were the case, so too would be the reverse. A straight couple would only raise straight children. How then did this all come about in the first place?
If a bottle of juice only has 10% juice, what's the rest of it?
Why do they caffeinate coffee and soda just to decaffeinate it again using harmful chemicals?
The only sanctioned way to get rid of holy statues is to bury them. Pft, I've got a hammer, give me six seconds to find my gloves.
What is the Mormon take on adultery?
Harry Potter is a sinful work. Really? Then why don't you ban it so everyone will read it.
Money for sex is illegal but money for a prostate exam is mandatory? C'mon! What, is it the MD? Get Hugh Hefner to create a college program for prostitutes already! At least during that exam you won't feel embarrassed about getting wood.
And... What is it with baseball players and superstitions? Come on now, do you really think that tapping the plate three times, crossing yourself, adjusting your gloves, spitting on your gloved hands, rubbing them together six times in a counter-clockwise fashion, waving the bat twice in circles over your left shoulder and then your right will actually increase your chances of hitting the ball? I say that trying to remember to do all that, then worrying about forgetting something, going back and starting over again, and choking under pressure, will just make you hit less. Or maybe it'll get the pitcher to hit you more. Either way, I'm a supporter of that.
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