Saturday, March 25, 2006

How I Feel

Let me get real for a second. I know that everything I say and everything that I believe are not the end all and be all. All I have in my voice and all that I can do is use it. As you can see, I've made a habit of using it, sometimes when I shouldn't have and many times when others wouldn't have. In life, my ultimate goal is to treat everyone as unconditional equals. Sometimes in standing up for one person or group of people I tend to alienate others and I don't mean to do that. I believe that every person creates for themselves their reason for existence. I've been working on mine these past months in an unprecedented fashion, right here out in the open where anyone in the entire world could happen upon it.

I could go about describing myself as many things, but above all else I think stubborn covers it. I do not bend in my opinions. I will not be beaten, sometimes even if it's inconsequential. I've lost a good number of friends and supporters that way and there's no chance I'm going to stop now. I've had to fight for everything I've ever believed in my entire life. I was educated in Catholic schools for through the eighth grade. That did me a great disservice. Not because of their beliefs, but because they make it seem like theirs is the only way. I've fought my way out of this indoctrination for much of the last five years. They always said talked about how bad it was for someone on the outside, a non-believer. Contrarily, I've only found myself in their absence. I am stubborn and I was stubborn even to myself trying to let go of those beliefs. But I've done so now and am stronger in my beliefs for it.

I hurt when I see people hurt. I won't even watch the news if I'm in one of my moods. They say that you don't really understand the pain if you don't experience it firsthand. This I could never believe. I hurt when people I care about hurt. And I care about everyone. Why? Because I wouldn't wish the pain I've felt on anyone. I couldn't wish pain on another, even if they hurt me. That's why I hurt. It's all cyclical. I hurt because I hurt because I was hurt or others were hurt. Trust me when I say, it's the kind of thing that eats your insides, tears you apart from within.

I am completely unwavering in my beliefs, because there was a time in my life where beliefs were all that I had. They helped me out of it and I know that I can depend on them to shield me from things like guilt or fear. That is why I try to show no fear. That is why I try to show no guilt. I suppress pain as a way to cope with it. It's not that I want to, it's that I've never had another way to deal with it, never had anyone that I could trust with my most painful feelings and experiences.

Pain is self-replicating. Sometimes it consumes me. Triggered by an external event, I refocus on the bad times. Every painful thing that has ever happened to me seems to roar back and take up residence in my mind. Anger, a misconception, stubborn aggression really dictates these moods. See that and know what I feel like. Don't try to understand my pain. It only adds to my pain, that you couldn't understand what I feel, that words couldn't express the meaning behind my feelings. Just show me that you'll be waiting for me on the other side. Show me you're my friend.

These past couple of months have been above and beyond all expectations. I've been able to put my past behind me for longer periods of time than ever before. And I know that sometimes I'm a bit unbearable, but I don't mean to be. Sometimes things that are said rub me the wrong way. It's bound to happen. Just let me say one thing more. The thing that you say to or about me will hurt me, but I won't stop caring about you. There's nothing that you can say or do that would make me hate you. Nothing. First and foremost, I will not allow myself to perpetuate pain, as I've mercilessly been dealt in the past.

Searching for Meaning: Reflection

What's the point to life if all it is is one disappointment after another, one forsaken expectation after another, pain after pain after pain without relent? All we do is run around performing meaningless tasks for even more meaningless people. What's the point?

Well, if you're looking for an answer, I don't have one. None of us do, and those that say they do are full of it. But when it comes right down to it, why should we care anyways? Why spend all our time trying to find out why when really we should be out living it? Because it's easier. Emotions come with both the good and the bad. You can't have one without the other. We cannot feel happy if we don't sometimes feel sad. It's not to say that we'd know the difference, but we do so it matters. None of us have the answer to life and I'd bet that none of us ever will. So quit worrying about it.

Life is inconsequential if you don't get out and live it. If you haven't, stop reading and get out there. There's far more to it than a computer screen and someone else's opinions.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

New Feature

We now have a guestbook. If you really can't find it, it's on the bar to the right. Drop One Nation Divided a line, comment, or suggestion. You've got a voice; use it. I will answer all comments directed to me. See what others are saying about the site. Start a discussion. Go nuts. It is completely anonymous.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Sad But True

Yesterday Congress passed a measure (52-48) increasing the national debt ceiling to 9 trillion dollars.

Today's national debt (12:00A.M. 3-22-06)= $8,351,430,529,038.72

Population est. of U.S. (12:00A.M. 3-22-06)= 298,350,612

That equals a $27,992.00 debt per person in this country as of this morning.

Also, the debt rises $2,430,000,000 a day.

That's an extra $8.14 per person tomorrow on top of today's total. That's $57.00 this week per person. That's $252.48 this month per person. And an increase in debt of $2972.84 per person this year. For a family of five that's: $40.72 tomorrow, $285.07 this week, $1262.44 this month, $14864.22 this year.

Now call me cinical, but damn, that's too rich for my blood.



"I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date. No time to say hello. Good-bye! I'm late. I'm late. I'm late." -The White Rabbit

Doesn't it seem like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that we want to do? No matter how little we have left to do or how much we've done ahead of time, we never seem to get ahead in life. Our days are so completely packed full of things to do that we rarely have time to do what we want to do.

This said, it is undoubtedly certain that for all that we do accomplish, there are other (sometimes more important) things that we aren't able to do. Spend time with the kids, our families and friends, do homework and work at night, paint the house, fix the garage door, and countless other things. And, although those things are significant, what about more important things that you don't even have time to realize that you should do. What about volunteering? Taking a course at a community college? Starting a family? Going to a museum? Relaxing for once? And so forth.

Wouldn't this country be all that much better if we were all able to take an hour out of our day and devote it to volunteering. Maybe we'd feed the homeless or build a house or work at a local hospice. Or maybe we'd just coach our little kid's baseball team or help an elderly family member around their house. It'd sure be nice to be able to do these things. I don't know a person that wouldn't, that is of course if they could. Not enough time in the day. That's the excuse. But I understand. We have to take care of our own first. An hour of public service is an hour you aren't getting paid for, an hour your child is not being fed with, clothed with, housed with. I understand. But wouldn't it just be nice sometime if we could survive without that extra hour. I know there are those out there who can and don't and I know there are those out there who can't yet they still try to every once and a while. Honestly, I understand. It's not you necessarily, it's the system that's messed up.

There's something that we can do though. Something that, if we want to be able to do all that we want to do, we have to make time for. I cringe to think about the number of people who go into the election booth every time that time of the year comes around and stares blankly at the punch card (or screen, or form, etc.) and fills in the blank for a candidate based on the ethnicity of their name or their gender, or because their best friend from high school had a dog by that name. Flip a coin anyone?

What we so desperately need to do in this country is remain informed. And not just about politics, about life in general. We have to make time to understand the issues, to understand others, to learn to co-exist in this world with each other. Why do we have war? Two reasons: greed and misunderstanding. Naturally, these issues are huge, vast concepts that any one person could only hope to begin to understand in an entire lifetime. But we have to make time to try. Mankind will not be long for existence if we cannot conquer our differences.

It's time we ask ourselves why we discriminate, why we hate, why we treat others unequally. The good news is that it isn't always our faults. Many times we are indoctrinated into a way of thinking through our families, schools, governments, religions, and so forth. Of course, a good indoctrination, one that treats everyone equal, is good. It will benefit us in the future and I can only hope you who did have it pass it on to your children, students, citizens, worshippers, etc. Naturally this is just me talking. Your idea of a good indoctrination is probably different. Sadly, I realize, most people are very discriminatory to certain groups of people even if they don't realize it.

Let me ask you something. Would you like someone to tell you that you are inferior to them because you are too fat? Too short? Jewish? Too poor? That they are going to treat you as a second class person just because of who you are? Would you like that? Then take some time and look real deep within yourself and realize your shortcomings. We all have them. Realize who you discriminate against. Get down to the root of the issue. Find a place inside yourself that is disgusted by how you feel about them and work from there. Eliminate discrimination from your life. Do not hate. See everyone as equal with your own eyes. Don't just say it; mean it. There's no use lying to yourself. Really do it.

Of course, in your mind there are probably a hundred better things on your list of things to do when you have time. I won't force you to make mankind better. I won't make you do anything. All I can do is hope that one time when you do actually have some free time that you'll sit down and think of what I've said. All I want is world peace, infinite acceptance, and complete equality. True, it's a lot for one person to swallow, but there are six and a half billion of us. Surely together we can succeed. And, after that, just imagine the things we could do together.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Rantings of a Mad Man Part VI

Why does everything in politics have to come down to politics? Why does everything in life have to come down to politics? Why must we all divide ourselves by our differences?

It doesn't matter what you or I believe, we should always work towards the greater good. This is not accomplished by debate; it's accomplished by action. And, sacrifices must be made on both sides. Politics don't matter; we must do what works. We cannot get something for nothing. Do not hold grudges. Life is too short. Why must we put up barriers. Break down these manmade walls. Tear down the blockades of our hearts and minds. Burn them to the ground.

Right now, here and now we are reaching inwards instead of reaching outward. We need to decided to coexist. It needs to be a conscious decision. It doesn't matter whether we are white, black, Hispanic, Catholic, Protestant, or agnostic.

Why do we kill each other because of the color of our skin? Why do we discriminate because of our sexual preferences or political affiliation? Why are we so divided.

Mankind has so much potential. The stars are literally the limit. Why do we fight with each other over such petty differences? We are all the same inside. We love. We fear. We cry and suffer. We hunger and thirst. We are all equal. No one has the right to tell another how to act or live. No one has the right to control another. No one is justified in hurting another. No one under any circumstance should be subject to the whims of another. Governments should not have control over people. People should have control over governments. Politicians have no power over us. They are not above us. We are all equal. We are all human.

Capitalism is based on the greed of others. It works because greed is easy. There is no doubt that it is successful. But it is based on inequality. It's foundation is in the promotion of self by stepping on others. This may just well be the downfall of society, if ever we get that far. Capitalism depends on the ability of people to manipulate the feelings and beliefs of others.

Freedoms are all well and good to talk about when it isn't easier to ignore them. It is when it is easier to forego these freedoms that the real test of a society's clout comes about. When will we learn. Fear is not a blank check. It is not a weapon for personal gain. It is not moral; it is evil, deceitful, and yes sinful. Lying is by definition wrong. Fear is being used as a tool today to help those in power profit from a situation that should never have come up at all. Those who don't believe me will say of course that we were in danger. Too bad fear hit you hardest. You can't honestly believe that we are safer today than we were five and a half years ago. Can you? Wait, of course you can. Politics in all its grandeur. When will we learn.

Politics it is said comes from the root "poly" meaning many and "ticks" meaning blood-sucking creatures. Whoever it was that said that hit the nail right on the head. Too bad there isn't one for lawyers too. Help should be free. The rich should not have a better opportunity for justice than the poor.

All I can hope for is that we all put our differences aside. I did. I don't judge people. I don't hate people. (I do however hate ideas and philosophies, just not people.) To me everyone is completely equal bar none. I look past the color of one's skin or the style of one's dress to the inner person, who I know, far more times than not, is really genuinely a good, kind, just individual. Maybe they're a little confused, but hey we all are sometimes.

I don't judge. I always give the benefit of the doubt. What's mine is yours; if I can help I'd be glad to do it. Everyone is equal in my mind. My friend's friend is my friend. My beliefs and yours aside, I believe that we are all the same. Can you honestly say the same thing? If not, why?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Heading Home

So, isn't it great, vacation, time to head home. Of course,this is if you want to head home. To me, home is where the heart is and my heart is here not there. I say a lot of things about my family that many wouldn't believe, in essence that I can't stand them. Let me just say that if after 18 years of living with my family you don't end up as messed up as me I'd consider yourself more than lucky. I've heard all the replies. They can't be that bad. You're just saying that. You don't really mean that. Don't I? I'm happiest when I'm away from them. My motto for life is if you haven't guessed by my chosen log in name is "Fly Free Forever". In my mind, the place I can best do this is here and not there. If it's cold for me not to miss them, to cringe at the thought of entertaining them for the next week, then so be it. I don't care. You haven't lived my life. If you know me you know that I don't like being controlled and I don't like being toyed with. So know this, in the next week while everyone else is having fun with friends and family, perhaps in an exotic locale, I will be at home trying to escape from the stupidity that is my home life.

Friday, March 10, 2006


That's it I've had ENOUGH! I repeat, I'VE HAD ENOUGH! It's all well and good for people to go around with different values, some of which are discriminatory. I can deal with these people usually. They're misguided, yet at least they have a logical reason for their views. I ask you this: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MITT ROMNEY? So his latest plan to solidify himself a political base is to support a referendum to allow religious organizations to discriminate against homosexual couples. Now I understand why people are against homosexuality, believe me I've heard all the excuses, but for the life of me I cannot understand why we now want to discriminate against our children as well. If homosexual couples are not allowed to adopt children, we will lose out on the largest demographic of people that adopt at all.


I guarantee that there isn't ONE child that would be better off in the custody of the state than in a family of their own. This isn't about YOU! This is about CHILDREN! How dare you think that you have their best interests at heart. HOW DARE YOU PRESUME TO UNDERSTAND THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE MINDS OF OUR YOUNG CHILDREN. Children do not care. Family is no less effective with two mothers or two fathers any more than it is with one of each or only one or the other! Would you rather them wander the streets? Would you rather them live in a home where they are only one of twenty or more children cared for by the state? How effective is that family unit?

Here, I'll tell you what, send me all those who believe that homosexual couples shouldn't adopt and I'll straighten them out for you. I'll straighten them out real good.

This is the life of a child we are talking about, not politics, not running for president, not your agenda, CHILDREN. You have no right to mess with the wellbeing of our children. And that, quite simply, is the final word.

Sunday, March 5, 2006

Where We've Gone Wrong

It is true that for four hundred years, Africans were enslaved; yes, for some hundred years there was a dispute regarding lands later ceded by Mexico; and yes, we did (for instance) inter Japanese citizens in camps during World War II.
What I’m trying to say is that, this is all in the past. We must focus on the future, and the future must start with unity. Too many times we bring about theories and observations that while bringing to light issues regarding the isms also divide us as a society. We should be proud of our differences, yet we should be prouder of our similarities, those of love and friendship, of peace and forgiveness.

They talk about reparations, about balancing the table, and I’m all for making everyone equal, but I’m not for continuing the circle of discrimination and hate. So long as one group is favored over another, be it socially or through affirmative action, there will always be tensions in this country. Instead of putting the emphasis on college, go back to kindergarten and start there; make everyone equal from the start, not right before the finish; we’ve already lost many by then. If anyone alive today is the victim of discrimination and the person doing the discrimination is alive as well, then I agree that they should pay some sort of reparation, be it monetary or penal. But, as neither side of an argument, long since dragged out, long since outdated, are still alive, I see no right of ones descendants to collect money from another’s descendants. We are not our parents or grandparents; we are ourselves with our own values.

With that said, let’s return to unity. For this country to fully work as a nation, we must give everyone an equal opportunity, not better opportunity, to succeed. Regardless of sex, race, creed, orientation, or ability (or of others I’ve forgotten) should we ever divide our citizens. Differences are well and good, but from time to time it would be nice for all of us to celebrate our similarities. Our differences, color, sex, and orientation (etc.) are all trivial in comparison to our similarities. Only when we realize that we are fundamentally the same, will we treat each other equally.

What Makes Life Worth Living?

The single most important piece of ourselves is spread throughout society, passed down through the generations, some would say it is divine in origin, that which is the beginning and end of us all, the fire ignited at birth and extinguished at death, life, in all its grandeur.

Life is a unique commodity. For all our technical prowess and bio-chemical expertise, we are unable to create from scratch for ourselves life. Religion aside, I believe that life is a truly beautiful thing.

It's a wondrous thing just to sit outside immersed in life, birds and woodland animals scurrying about, the breeze blowing through the trees incensed with lilac or garden herb or the heavy soothing scent after a summer rain. Just sitting there, listening to life at work. No cars, no televisions, no one else.

Psychologists say that humans are pack creatures, that we congregate together. That's all fine and good, but just sitting out there under a beech tree, with the sun's parted rays entrancing your mind in a myriad of light and shadow, that's where life is. Not with family, indoors seated at the kitchen table eating dinner or rooted firmly in front of the television while mile after mile of life hums along outside your wood and brick, central air enshrouded Franciscan tomb, life is planted in the heave and ho of the tide, the hem and haw of Kentucky bluegrass.

I ask you please, remove your eyes from Tom Cruise and Dr. Phil and step out into the light, squint as first you wander about searching for your Nintendo DS and portable DVD player. But then take a seat down by the shoreline and dig your toes deep down into the sand. Run your fingers through it. Feel it's moist grit dig beneath your nails and pry off years of Cheatos debris and then lie back and let the salt air pour through your soul and cleanse you of your differences, exchange your shirt for the warming glow of a summer afternoon and stretch out. Close your eyes and reacquaint yourself with nature, time naught of time, life naught of death. Find a place where politics, war, famine, and hate are replaced with the warm tingling of the sun's rays running up and down your body warming your bones and relaxing your muscles, a place where you cease to be individual and return to your primal existence. The calm soothing churn of the warm foaming tides sliding up your legs surpassing your waist, purging your mind of thought and stress, elevating your being to the highest level of existence. Drift off as the warm water caresses your legs and runs it's cool fingers up your back and around your shoulders. Let yourself slide into it's grip and coast out into the crystal clear, warm waters.

Now that's what makes life worth living.

Thursday, March 2, 2006

Can You Be That Stupid?

Here's one. No child left behind. Bullshit. No child led ahead is more like it. This past year to go to UMass Amherst I paid out of pocket (not counting loans) 4,200 cash. Next year because of President Bush's education policy I will have to pay 9,650 in cash (not including what loans I might get). In fact, it'll be 10,650 if he gets rid of the Perkins Loan as he's planning to do to fund his war on terrorism.

Well guess what. HE created the war on terror; HE is the cause of terror. HE is the reason that Iraq is about to enter into a civil war, Afghanistan is in revolt, oil prices are skyrocketing, the economy is bust, the dollar is losing ground to the British Pound, and the reason that China and India are surpassing us in every way (except for human rights, naturally). But what good is human, worker's rights if there are no jobs in this nation? What use is a job when even with it you don't make enough money to pay off your debt? What use is a President who claims to be protecting America when in actuality he is bankrupting it and throwing the burden of debt onto our children.

More than 80% of the terrorists that attacked on 9-11 were from Saudi Arabia. Yet we have not invaded them, even though they do harbor and fund "terrorist activities". If it were our intent to hunt down terrorist funding countries to freeze their assets then we would have attacked the Saudi's first. But that's not what HE wanted. HE wanted something else, an ally to set against OPEC. That's what we have in Kuwait, and now that's what HE thinks we can get in Iraq and Afghanistan. Think about it. Iraq and Afghanistan were countries with limited military power. Neither were well supported by other nations in the area. Why not attack Iran; Iran's dictator is trying to (PUBLICLY) gain nuclear capacity. There's no doubt about this; they've SAID it. They are trying to get weapons of mass destruction! It's not a joke, there is no punch line, they are a threat to everyone. Iraq was not. Afghanistan was not. We attacked them however because HE thought that we could control them like we control the Israelis.

HE was wrong. They are on the brink of civil war. There will be a civil war. There is nothing we can do to stop it. We couldn't even put down a minority insurgency in either country! Never mind trying to adjucate a religious war between three separate groups AND an insurgency trying to push us out. We don't have enough manpower in the Middle East now! When war breaks out we will have no chance of stopping it. Furthermore, all that we have worked for in Iraq and Afghanistan, creating a government, fixing oil refineries, water plants, electric plants, all of it costing this country almost 500 billion dollars will be all for waste! The interim government will crumble and they will plunge into civil war.

What did we lose? Our economy, education, freedoms, privacy, jobs! All of the above, and MORE! George W. Bush has bankrupted this country to profit big business, oil and Haliburton. He took our money and used it to fund a war that did nothing but make us less safe, jobless, and more poor. Because of George W. Bush, I have to come up with $10,650 next term. I have to. He doesn't have to. In three years he'll retire on his nice presidential pension and forget about the rest of us who have to rely on financial aid, who have to pay off $35,000 worth of debt or more, who have lost their jobs to a nine year old girl in China because it was cheaper to send manufacturing overseas.

We're on a losing a losing war and there's nothing we can do about it for three more years. All I can ask is when are the poor people of this country going to realize that it is the president that they voted for that caused them to lose their jobs, pensions, freedoms, education, and privacy. It is THEIR vote that made it this way. Let's make a vow in 2008, a vow to vote for the party that's sole aim is to HELP people not feed off the work of others. Republicans get rich off us, they get rich off our war, off outsourcing our jobs! For Christ's Sake in 2008, no matter who runs or whether they like football or baseball, whether they came from the north or the south, vote for the person that is looking out for YOU and YOU ALONE, for all of our sakes, VOTE DEMOCRAT.