Rantings of A Mad Man: Oh Shit! It's Part XX

If silence is golden then is noise leaden?

Why is it that when we're alone for long periods of time we begin to sense impending attack? Or is it just me?

Have you ever noticed that in a box of Fruit-By-The-Foot that the Strawberry flavored ones will always be left to last? Surely after the box is long since gone, there will still be a few Strawberry ones left over.

Isn't it a bit ironic that all those who think that Ron Paul is the best candidate (or that libertarianism is the best ideology) are those people who believe that if the government removed all support systems that they above all others will rise to the top of the pyramid. Isn't it just ironic that some how they believe that removing all government assistance will catapult them above those people who already don't use it. Ironic. No?

From what I can tell fans (ceiling, floor, desk, etc.) all rotate in the clockwise fashion. Are there any that buck the trend?

At what point does one become a veteran? I'm not talking about those in the armed services, that conveyance of veteranship is clear, but of ball players, journalists, legislators, and the such. Is there a day in which one second they are not and then they are a veteran? Are there laws legislating such a title? I for one hope not.

Who designed the pattern on a baseball? Seriously, I'm curious.

What is so special about Egyptian cotton? Sounds like a marketing gimmick to me.

Martin Van Buren was the only truly bilingual president. He also spoke Dutch at home.

Roman numerals really fuck up alphabetical order.

When I was in pre-school we did a project where we dipped our feet in paint and printed them on a single white piece of paper. For some reason thereafter I denied having done it barefoot. I haven't the slightest idea why.

Support the Troops! I question if they really mean that. Surely they mean "support OUR troops". The very idea of supporting ALL troops seems very unlike them. Likewise, "support the troops" is a verbal cue. Proportionally, it's seen more in speech than in writing. So maybe just maybe, they mean "support the TROUPES" as in the actors guild or something. Could it be that a bunch of war-raging, stick branding, red necks could have a secret penchant for musical theater? Mm, your right, probably not.

If a typist types what do dentists and racists do?

If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it is George W. Bush still paranoid that it might be harboring weapons of mass destruction?

While you should pay your income and property taxes each year, sometimes you can get away with not doing so. At least for a little while. Is it possible that we can do the same for sales tax? Can we ask the cashier to wave the charge and let you deal with the IRS later? I think what we really need to ask is: "What can we do as individuals to make this nation more bureaucratic?"

And finally:

If you don't give a shit, you should at least take one.

Cheers!

FFF

My Everything Philosophy

I hate philosophers. They make the world needlessly complicated. Read some of their ramblings and you'll understand what I mean. All of them needlessly complicate life and needlessly complicate the language that they use to convey it to give their position more assumed importance. You don't need to be a master linguist to be a philosopher. Isn't a philosopher just an observer who makes reasoned guesses? I think so. Will it sink or will it float? Autumn leaves--float. Check. ...Grandma in a Buick--hmm... sink. Who'da thunk it? ...Erm... excuse me a second...

...Where was I? Oh right. My philosophy about everything is that everything is blatantly simple. Sometimes things are so simple that we don't even realize them for what they are. Like for instance, George W. Bush is a braying jackass. Had we realized in 2000 that the desire to have a beer with one is synonymous with buffoonery, we would've saved ourselves a lot of trouble. Go figure.

In the end, the world is complex, but each piece of it is simple. If we look at the world simply we will find more answers, more accurately, than if we blow hot air up our own asses -- or vote for George W. Bush.

I Do Enjoy the Vagaries of Life

Whenever it rains on a sunny day,
Whenever night sweeps noon away,
Whenever your dreams are delayed,
And fate lets come whatever may,

Remember that it happened -- my way.

Monopoly Part 2: What Would Life Be Like If It Were a Game of Monopoly?

Now that I think of it, I think I've stumbled across a Bill-O talking point. That's Bill-O not Jell-O, although I hear that they are both comprised primarily of bone dust, corn syrup, and food coloring...

Regardless, let's take a look at Monopoly. It's a very socialist game if you think about it. You start out with $1500. Imagine that. $1500 for nothing. It's just given to you, by the bank, the central governing authority. And everyone gets the same amount! Wow-wee! What a deal!

Then there's GO. Every time you pass GO you collect ANOTHER $200! For what? Don't ask me.

And just when you need it here comes Community Chest! A local slush fund for your spending needs!

What about Luxury Tax and Income Tax! Profit sharing! 10% or $200 for Income Tax. $75 for the Luxury sort! It's criminal! And you know that everyone lands on Income Tax more often. They plan it that way some how! They must! Who ever lands on Luxury Tax? Only the rich! Of course! Who's ever heard of a poor person losing their last cents on Luxury Tax? Doesn't happen!

Then there's Free Parking and it's bastard cousin Just Visiting! Who's ever heard of free parking. It's almost communist to me! Imagine a government run facility interfering in your private lives. Fuck no! And Just Visiting! Imagine! Criminals getting cordial visiting rights! NEVER! It's not about rehabilitation. It's not about fostering the desire to turn one's self around and become a part of society again. NO! It's about seclusion and punishment!

Then there's all the railroads! They all cost the same! How could they? Surely not in a real society. We can't have poor railroads subsidized by government! It's an unnecessary tax on the wealthier stops! The property values aren't worth the same! Who would want to travel through the Purples and Light Blues! Honestly one's Chinese even! They should just knock down all of those tenement houses and make room for my new mini-mall! Eminent domain! It's for the good of society!

And to cap it all off, look at the subliminal message that Monopoly gives to our kids! When you get all of one color or utility the rent DOUBLES! Imagine the audacity that these people have telling us that prices would go up if someone holds a corner on the market! BAH! Prices would surely go down with greater export capacity, streamlined ventures, and greater centralization! Only a fool would say otherwise!

So that's what it is. Monopoly! A bunch of SOCIALIST PROPAGANDA!

Where's it going to end! Won't someone please think of the children!