On Fag Hags and Why They HATE Me

Fair warning, this post will probably come across as very negative to some people.  It is however my experience with this topic, and that has been quite negative.  Life.

Anywho, a "fag hag" is a girl that is good or more often best friends with a gay guy.  And as a rule I do not like them and they do not like me.  This is basically a universal truth in my experiences with them.  I don't think I've found one from any of the gay guys I know that I have gotten along with.

The reason behind this is really quite simple.  It is ingrained in the role they play in the gay guy's life and the role the gay guy plays in their life.  She is a facilitator of and justification for poor decision-making.  They are each other's excuse for every bad decision, every drunken hook up, every drug taken, every excessive party gone to, and every unwise action they take.  Because the other was with them that wild Friday night, their behavior was justified, whatever happened.  Of course it could be as harmless as occasionally drinking too much, to more detrimental... unsafe hook ups, cheating on their significant other, drugs, in general those kind of actions that are seen as carefree in your teenage or college years, but which are very detrimental to an adult relationship.

Because the gay guy isn't doing these things alone, they feel like it's not so bad that they do them.  And likewise, because she has him there too, she is justified in making poor decisions, regardless of how unsafe, dangerous, detrimental, or otherwise unwise, because he was also doing them.

So, if Dave goes out with Gloria on Sunday night to a really crazy party, the party gets raided, they both get arrested for possession, it's not the worst thing in the world... because the other one was there too.  Neither feels at major fault for unwise actions because clearly if their trusted friend is also doing them, then they can't be all that bad.  They can laugh it off as their little secret and go about their day.  It's just another "crazy" night they've had, and they bond over it.

I'm sure by this point I'm coming off as pretty pretentious to both fag hags and those who have them, but if you know me, my reaction to this phenomenon shouldn't be that much of a surprise and it is also why every fag hag I've ever known hates me and why I hate them.

You see, when I date the gay guy, I effectively take him away from her.  This is even true if I'm only platonic friends with the gay guy.  I supplant her position in his life, she feels threatened and feels like I'm taking something away from her.  More so, I tend to be "mature."  I'm the guy looking for the guy that wants to settle down, have a life together, have a family, careers, etc.  That life does not fit in with crazy Friday nights and drunken sluttiness.  It involves diapers and school buses, steady jobs and schedules, romantic weekend trips and "boring" video game nights.  It means monogamy and marriage, love, and happily ever after.  

While of course the girl would still play a role in his life, it would be a decreased role.  As a relationship grows, I spend more time with him and we spend more time confiding in each other-- using each other as support during difficult times instead of the girl.  She feels threatened and develops negative feelings towards the boyfriend/husband/(me), and in some cases, even tries to break them/us up (personal experience, don't ask).

Deep down, most guys do want to find that guy to spend the rest of their lives with, and yes most guys at one time or another do fill that emptiness with wild partying, drugs, hook ups, and/or a lot of other things.  Fag hags compliment them in those actions that they take to fill that void.  They justify poor decision-making.  Unfortunately for her though, most guys eventually grow up.  They find that amazing guy they want to have a happily ever after with, and the move on from sluttiness, drug abuse, over drinking, and such.  As a couple, their interests evolve from the "going out" mentality more to the "staying in" mentality.  That's not to say that they're boring and never go to a party or never have drinks, or never screw up and wander into work hung over, bleary eyed, and exhausted.  But, it declines.  Family becomes more important than "excitement".  Building a life together and a family together requires stability and security.  Two guys who go out Saturdays drink too much, take Molly, and cheat on each other will not have a successful relationship.

In short, I hate fag hags because they embody many of the qualities that are wrong for a potential husband.  And, they hate me because their gay guy wants me more than bad decision-making.  To me, she is the bad influence, but to her I am the bad influence.  Of course, this isn't true in all cases, but it is certainly true in the experiences I've had and in most of the ones I've seen others have.

Visiting Family for the Holidays

In case you haven't seen my previous posts on the issue in past years, I can't stand visiting "home" for the holidays.  Any holiday.  Frankly, even for an afternoon.  My parents are of course equal parts insane and meddling, like most parents, but they are also very homophobic.  Due to this fact, visiting them is at best mildly frustrating and and worst catastrophic.  If you know me, you know that I don't change who I am for others.  Ever.  No exceptions.  I am who I am and if you don't like it, tough.  That's not to say I'm a terrible person or anything.  Most people enjoy my company.  The problem with family though is quite pronounced.

I've reached the point in life where I'm looking for a good man to start a (obviously monogamous) relationship with, settle down with, start a family and a life with, etc.  At the same time, that potential man would never be welcome in my parents' home.  I could never show him where I grew up, my childhood bedroom, the trees I climbed as a kid.  I could never have him meet my parents. 

It makes me very sad that I can't share this part of my youth.  It's not that I had an amazing childhood--perhaps frankly the opposite sometimes.  But, it is part of who I am and it is where I came from.  I would want my future husband to be able to experience those things, share in my life story fully, but they can't.

I don't need my parents' validation for my future husband.  I really don't care if they like him or not.  I do care however what this potential love of my life thinks though.  I would want him to be able to see the whole me.  I would want for myself and for him for my life to come full circle, to see where I came from and the man I've become today, to see the full picture.  

Simply put, I'd want to share everything with him and I can't through no fault of my own or his.  This becomes even more poignant if he can share that part of his life with me.  It makes me disappointed and embarrassed for my parents.  I live my life openly and happily, it's difficult to come into contact with the opposite in their house.

A Little Food for Thought

The first... the culminating monologue from the 1940 Charlie Chaplin movie The Great Dictator.  The premise of the movie is that a Jewish barber during WWII accidentally replaces Hitler as the leader of Germany and the Nazi army.  This speech is also the reason why he never worked in Hollywood again.  Apparently mocking Hilter is a bad thing?  In reality it was a fight against fascism.  Perhaps something today we need to keep in mind...

The second is about the pettiness of our hatred for others.  I post this in regards to Syrian refugees and the further crisis the US right wing is trying to making out of their displacement.  The photo of the "Pale Blue Dot" is taken from the Voyager space craft.  It is the most distant photo of a visible Earth ever taken.

The Most Fundamental Law of Sexual Attraction

If there is only one thing you know about dating, sex, relationships, love, the whole gambit, know this:

You receive that which you project.

Scenario:

Every guy that expresses interest in you that you are attracted to is an asshole.  They're all looking out for their own sexual needs, and while you're looking for a relationship and something serious, all they want to do is play.

Every guy?

Seriously though, sometimes we feel this way.  Sometimes we feel that every guy with which there is mutual interest is WRONG for us.  Regardless of what we're looking for.  Maybe you're looking for guys that want to hook up and you keep finding clingy relationship type guys.  Or possibly (and frankly more likely) the opposite, you want a relationship and the only guys that seem interested in you want your dick and nothing else.  I've been there, you've been there, we've ALL been there at one point or another.

Why?

As I said previously: You receive that which you project.

If every guy that seems interested and that you're interested in wants a fuck buddy, and you want a relationship, this is the reason.  You're projecting yourself as wanting a fuck buddy.  Consciously or subconsciously in your actions, you are sabotaging yourself.

When you talk to a guy, and he wants to hook up, and you think that if you're really good in bed, he'll change his mind and stay around, you're fooling yourself.  When he expresses a desire for a relationship and all you want is sex, he won't put out, or at least it will turn into an emotional cluster fuck after you try to separate yourself from him.

The good news?

There is good news!  Look at the guys that you are attracting.  Do they fall in line with what you're looking for?  If yes, then great!  You've got the best possible chance of finding the right guy for your desires.  If not, you're projecting, or in other words, giving out the wrong signals.

Guys are not mind readers.  If you act like a slut in the way you flirt, you will only attract sluts.  (No offense to genuine sluts!  You rock!)  And if you act less sexual you tend to attract people looking for a relationship.  Guys who want relationships don't go after guys who act like sluts.  Why?  Simple.  If you're looking for a relationship and this guy, NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE(!), acts like a slut and comes on to you like they're looking for sex, you're going to brush them aside.  Likewise, if you come after sex as a guy looking for a long term relationship, you're going to attract only those looking for a long term relationship.  Guys looking for casual sex will not look first to the guy who comes across looking for something serious.  Of course, if there's no one else around they may still come by.  But even if you're looking for casual sex, if you're projecting relationship potential, and they still come for you, maybe you just want to sit this one out.  Think about the morals that person has.  Probably not worth any self-respecting slut's time.

Conclusions:

If you want a relationship, make sure you're projecting those signals, both consciously as you speak with guys, but also in the way you flirt and the way you approach guys.  Relationship seekers don't like the casual sex seeker regardless of how hot they are.

The same is equally true for the opposite.  If you're looking for casual sex, project that when you meet guys.  Be open and honest.  Casual sex is not a bad thing.  It helps us discover what we like and who we want.  Some of us only want casual sex, and that's great, but some do move on as well, and you should respect that desire as well.