Final Update: On Myself, Love, and My Perfect Guy

MYSELF

I'm in a good place myself.  I am enjoying life more than I had in the past few years.  I feel like I've begun to settle into life in general after college.  It's sort of strange though, as just a few weeks ago I might have thought otherwise.  I had said otherwise.  But, it seems to be true.


I've focused more on myself lately.  I don't mean in a selfish way, but that I've spent time assessing life, where I've been, and where I'm going.  A lot has happened in the last three years, from graduating college, to a two year relationship ending, to moving around for work, to work itself.  There has been a LOT of change in my life and as I see it now, also a lack of stability.  But now that this has been addressed I move forward again and I feel that I'm ready and happy to do so, which is a welcome change.  I hope the feeling continues into the new year.

LOVE

As I said, I'm ready to move forward.  Ostensibly, I have been "over" my ex for around two years now.  Perhaps a bit more.  After getting out of a serious relationship, it takes time to unwind and rework yourself before you're in a good mindset to try again.  I realize now that the relationship itself wasn't really good for me.  Nothing against the guy, he'd always been very nice, but our differences led to difficulty in the relationship.  But I digress, it doesn't matter anymore.


In time, I went out on dates and picked up Grindr again and met and/or spoke with many possible guys.  I went out with a few off and on.  But, it wasn't until recently that I have been ready to find a relationship again.  Though, I moved on from the relationship after the first year after the breakup but I wasn't looking to get into another one truthfully and wholehearted until recently.  I had wanted to take a break.  I had dated two guys... the last one and the one before, back-to-back for the better part of three years, more than half of college.  I needed time to myself to reorganize and reassess.  And, I did.

This past week working away from my home location, I had a lot (and I mean a lot) of time to dedicate thought, and I did use it.  I think it had been coming along for a while now.  I'm ready to make a new effort again.  A serious effort.  I've always put everything I've got into serious relationships (the two I've spoken of).  It takes a lot out of me at the same time, when they don't work out.

So, this morning I went through my computer and phone and deleted all of the old photos (particularly the private ones).  I took down three of my "dating" apps.  I'll keep grindr and okcupid.  But, I've also erased grindr.  Why?  Why any of this?  Because, I'm done playing around.  Finished.  I want to find something real, and something real isn't someone that leaves if you don't put out when you first meet.  Real isn't "Netflix and chill".  Real means that I'm confident in myself and ok with being alone in the meantime.  I don't need a random body lying next to me.

I will continue to do everything I can to make myself into the most perfect version of me that I can be.  And, then, I need to attract my perfect guy.

MY PERFECT GUY

Everyone has a perfect guy.  They embody certain qualities and traits that they find most attractive.  I'm, of course, no different.  I'm not sure if for most the qualities desired are as complex as mine, perhaps they are, perhaps they're not, or perhaps they might be even if they don't think about them consciously.  I'm not sure.  Regardless, this is what I'm looking for:

Monogamy:

I believe in strict monogamy in a gay world that in some corners rebels against it for some idiotic reason.  It's not sticking it to straight people to intentionally rob yourself of a very fulfilling (and NOT straight only) institution. 

I believe that you meet someone, you go out with them, you both have a great time, and you both go out several more times.  You get to know each other, you talk, have fun, go places (even if they're simple dates like spending the afternoon in the park or hiking in the woods).  From there you decide mutually that there's a connection and you're both interested in going forward with it.  Sometime around this point monogamy is implied and should be in force.

I believe that at this point, all dating apps and websites must be deactivated.  And no, I don't buy the story that you use it for chatting and friends.  That's crap and we both know it.  If you see potential in a relationship, at some point it has to reach this level.  You have to want to give up looking and focus solely on the potential you have in front of you.

The trick is timing.  As a personal rule of thumb, I only go out with one person at a time.  Even if we only go out twice.  Sometimes people find this to be extreme.  I don't.  If I'm serious about finding someone to spend my life with, I'm going to give each potential person my undivided attention.  To me that's not unacceptable.  And it is what I require in another.  If you're not serious about possibly sticking around with me, then why not be my friend instead of trying to jump into bed with me.  In the future, if you decide that you really want me, then delete the apps and focus on me.  Otherwise, it's just friends with benefits... and I don't do that.

Physical Looks:

I don't have a type.  I don't care about eye color, skin color, or hair color.  In general, a guy would be about my height or shorter.  So that's something I guess.  A guy would be in decent shape or better--muscular, athletic, average, to slim.  I'm not one to fawn over six pack abs and body builder physiques though...  Frankly if you spend that much time in the gym we're not going to have much in common anyways.  But, you need to take care of yourself from a health perspective.  I don't date people that are overweight.  I don't find them attractive sexually or emotionally (in that way).  Just the same I don't find people that smoke, do drugs, or drink in excess attractive.  If you don't take care of your body, I don't find you attractive.  If you do, then yes you might be physically attractive to me.

The same rules apply for cleanliness and appearance.  Groom nicely and shower daily.  It's not difficult! In the same way, have decent teeth and brush them from time to time.

Conversely, don't obsess over yourself and your looks.  I don't find gym rats attractive for this reason.  If you spend so much time on how you look physically, I find you have spent so little time on you mentally, emotionally, or on interacting well with others.

I'll also add that I don't particularly care about penis size.  It's stupid that I even need to address this, but apparently I do for as much as I've seen it be a problem.  The only issue I have here is if you care one way or another about your own size.  It's not attractive if you feel inadequate or lack confidence sexually.  If you don't like you, why should I?  Likewise, it's not attractive if you're over confident, it just comes across as arrogant or self-centered.  I can't stand a guy who thinks he's -- forgive the pun -- cock-of-the-walk, because he has a large penis.  Reality check, I've seen bigger, much bigger, trust me I'm not joking.  The only way you're attractive to me is if you're a genuinely good person and you're confident, but not overconfident, in yourself. Of course showering and basic grooming wouldn't hurt.

Emotional State:

I'm looking for a guy who is stable.  As I've said, he should be confident in his abilities but not arrogant.  He should be happy for the most part, but not afraid to be sensitive and not afraid of displaying emotions when important.  He should also be self-sufficient, in that he should not ordinarily depend on me for his emotional well being.

This is key:  You need to WANT to be with me, not NEED to be with me.

Obviously, as a relationship grows, we grow closer together emotionally, and I love that aspect of a relationship.  But, when one guy depends on the other disproportionately, it creates an imbalance in the relationship, inevitably leading to one or the other breaking it off.  When one depends on the other for their emotional well-being, the other feels that they're being clingy and retreats.

When you need someone in your life, you are not secure enough in yourself to be in a relationship with another person.  Figure your stuff out first.  Be secure in yourself.  I'm not asking that you are Mr. Happy-go-lucky and never have issues and never hurt or have bad days.  Nonsense, we all do.  We all have monsters under our beds, so to speak, but the key is that we're not too petrified to leave our beds because of them.  I look for honesty and ownership of one's person.  Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses.  Own yourself, don't let your emotional state own you.

Mental State:

Be intelligent!  It's very attractive.  But don't be a dick about it.  Intelligence isn't about one-uppping each other.  It's about being mentally stimulating.  For me it's about the small things.  It's wandering around museum exhibits on the weekend and enjoying good books after dinner.  It's about being able to engage in political or philosophical discussions.  Through mental interactions we both grow as people.  We share with each other our experiences, the places we've been, the things we know, and in doing so grow closer together.  Intelligence is about having a passion for something and being able to talk about it for hours and hours just for the hell of it.  It's about not being ashamed for being a geek about something, whatever it is and embracing that inner geek because it translates into passion about something and passion is really sexy.

Goals and Dreams:

HAVE THEM!!  Have goals and dreams!  Goals are attainable, tangible things that someone wants to and has planned to achieve.  Dreams are those impossible things, that you'd love to do someday, but haven't (perhaps yet) found the path towards attaining.

Have life goals.  Here are mine:  Find someone that I'm madly and deeply in love with, who is madly and deeply in love with me, to spend the rest of our lives together.  Work hard, whatever or wherever the job is, to provide for the comfort of life that everyone should be able to have, even though it's increasingly difficult to do so.  I want to be secure financially, to be able to take vacations and explore, to enjoy life, to have a house in a good area with open space, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay for it.  I want to be able to balance my life between working for my goals and actually living them.  I want to have a family with the man I love.  I want to defy negative stereotypes of gay people and show doubters of my eligibility for equality that I am worth it and that I can and do achieve success in it.

Obviously we'll need to have some similar goals...  I'd want to marry the right guy.  He should want to as well.  We'd both want to be strictly monogamous.  We'd both want a family and all that comes along with that.  But other than that, just have goals:  Personal goals, professional goals, all kinds of goals.

Then there are dreams.  Dream big!  What do I dream?  I dream that someday I could support myself through my writing.  I dream that I could do so and stay home and take care of my kids.  I dream that someday my husband and I can go about our lives without ever having to think about how we're going to be perceived by others, without having to worry that we or our family will ever be treated differently because we are two men who love each other.

As long as your dreams are compatible with mine, which shouldn't be hard, you'd be compatible with me.

In Summary:

I know who I am.  I know what I'm looking for in life.  I won't stop until I find it.  And there's nothing in this life that will stop me from looking for it.

:)

On My Life Right Now

It's been several years since graduating college.  In that time I've done a lot of different things, been to a lot of new places, met a lot of new people.  But, something is still not completely right.  It's difficult when you spend your entire educational life heading towards a goal, and then when you reach that goal, there's nothing there at all.  It has been very difficult reconciling with the fact that I will never do what I had chosen to do after college, what I had prepared for for all of my educational life so far.  But that's nothing new.  Lots of people don't do what they were planning on doing.  Lots of people find something else that distracts them.  And, that's just fine.  

The problem is that I haven't found anything, not that I've found something else.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job most of the time (obviously even the most fulfilled person has their off days), but work isn't particularly fulfilling.  It's work.  For the most part the people are nice, that isn't the problem.  The job is fine.  The people are fine.  Everything is fine.  I won't say that it pays well, but it does pay the bills.  So that's fine too.

The problem isn't with work.  Work is something you do so that when you are not working you can enjoy the life that you're living.  The problem is that I'm definitely not enjoying the life that I'm living.  I don't do anything outside of work.  On a day off, I do nothing.  Ok maybe I do laundry and clean the apartment.  But that's not a life.

I simply do nothing.  I sleep in late.  I might actually spend the entire day in bed, on the laptop, pissing around the Internet, not really doing anything.  I may literally only get up to go to the bathroom, then right back to bed to watch Netflix or read some mindless political blog and argue with people clearly paid to troll on others.  If I'm feeling particularly ambitious I might get up and play video games for ten hours or so and then roll back into bed.  Or perhaps I might drive a ways north to frequent a Japanese restaurant I enjoy or else see a movie.  A night out now consists of that... Eating alone.  Then going to see a movie alone, preferably on a Tuesday or Wednesday night where the theater will literally be empty other than myself.

The problem is that all of this, every bit (except perhaps for the need to eat occasionally) leaves me with a sense of wasting time.  A sharp, guilt-like down feeling that I've wasted the entire day.  But, at the same time, I concede that I wasn't going to do anything anyway.  Frankly, it's not like I've done anything in years anyways.  The limit to my social interaction seems to be my bed.  And that's not nearly as thrilling as it might have been if it actually meant something.  

At the same time that my social life suffers, so do my dating prospects.  I don't do anything.  Remember, no hobbies, no interests, no real reason aside from work to get out of bed in the morning.  I don't meet people except for shitty online places or even shittier apps.  And that never works anyways.  People lie.  They want sex, and I find if they can't have it, they quickly lose interest.  I have no interest in meaningless sex.  It has no point.  It does nothing to make my life more interesting or happy aside from a few hours of sex (if they're not terrible, and they frequently are).  And that's only if you're compatible.  Otherwise it's just super awkward.

I haven't even dated anyone even casually (and I HATE casual dating) in more than three years now.  Every guy I meet seems to have a drug problem or smokes or else is so wrapped up in the hook up culture that they have no interest in anything more serious.  Or worse, engaging in dangerously unsafe sexual practices with random hook ups.  How guys can live like that I'll never understand.  I want someone to share my life with and so many, so so many seem to have given up.  When did it become the norm to accept the thought that you're not worth love?

I'm not suggesting that the hook up culture isn't a viable option for some.  I'm sure it is.  I'm suggesting that there are so many people out there who literally think...  "Ideally I'd love to find a husband/wife, but everyone out there just sucks, I'll probably be single forever."  And, I'm equally guilty of that thought process.  And I've dated a few and gone out on dates with many very attractive (physically, mentally, and otherwise) guys over the years.  So often I fall into the mindset of, I would totally stick with this guy if he was interested.  Though I'm sure the opposite has happened as well... where another guy would say the same about me, but I wasn't attracted to them for one reason or another.

It's not like I'm setting standards that are unattainable.  Be moderately physically attractive, be honest and monogamous, be romantic and in tune with sharing life with another person.  It's not really that difficult, but so much drama stems from those general qualities.  What's my type?  Monogamous, thoughtful, cares about himself, and is willing to try.  As time goes on though, I have an increasingly short fuse with stupid bullshit.  Like a guy that I'm seeing sitting on Grindr all night but is "working" all night.  Or a guy that I'm seeing exclusively trading naked photos with others.  Or a guy I'm dating getting drunk and making out with strangers.  I have no time for this. 

Why is it so difficult to find someone who actually wants to build a real, lifelong connection?  It's been done since the beginning of time, it shouldn't be this difficult.

Otherwise not much else is going on in life.  I want to write more, but I'm always tired.  Except when I can't sleep.  Which is even more problematic (and the reason I'm writing this tonight).  Even finding the willpower to do the simplest things is difficult.  I work all the time.  When I'm not working, I'm sleeping or else planning my life around my work schedule.  I have no social life.  I have no sex life to speak of.  I have no one special in my life.  I have no hobbies.  No interests.  No goals.  And no life quite frankly.

I'm not looking for someone to come sweep me off my feet.  I'm not naive enough to think such a thing is healthy or good.  Depending on others for happiness is a dead end.  I am looking to be happy however, and at the moment I'm at a loss as to how I'm going to do that all things considered.  Obviously there are those in my life that care about me and would try to make me happy.  The issue is that I have to find my own way.  I don't mean a job.  I mean for life.  Too often people equate one with the other.  They're much different.  As of late I'm feeling lost.  Hopefully I can find a way to improve that soon.  Four and a half years out of college and I'm not enjoying the lack of direction in my life right now.

The Difference Between the Debates

REVISED: Space-Time, Black Holes, and the Solution of the Grand Unified Theory

Modern science takes space and time as one unit... space-time.  This accounts for the affects seen under general relativity and readily observed throughout the universe.  The problem exists however that general relativity breaks down under extreme conditions, that is over the event horizon of a black hole.  I contend that this is the case because we are incorrectly defining what we are seeing.

***

The intense gravity of a black hole exacerbates what I believe to be the differences between space and time, which ordinarily work functionally well together.  Space and time are most linked at low speeds.  They are so closely linked that we cannot truthfully tell them apart.  However, as the relative speed of two objects diverges, time literally slows for the faster moving object.  Likewise, this is true as gravity lessens.  We see this everyday as the clocks on computers in orbit run slightly slower than those on the ground.  The same would run true looking at the classic scenario of moving a space ship to near the speed of light and having it later return to Earth--the tenants of the ship would have aged slightly, yet the people on Earth would have aged considerably more.

We mark time as the passing of something from one point or phase to another, such as the second hand moving on a clock.  But this is not the "time" that I'm speaking of, well at least not in it's most basic form.  The clock moves because of a ridiculously large number of "base particle" interactions.  (By base particle I mean that which cannot be broken down further than it is.)  That is how any action takes place, from atoms fusing to me typing and you reading this page.  All of these actions move because of the interaction on this level between the base particles and the change caused when they interact. We quantify time differently because it is the only way that we experience it in our own lives.  Our experiences color how we perceive things.  In the case of time, it's quite different on the quantum level than on the human-sized existence we live.

***

Let's take a look at black holes now.  In black holes we have a large quantity of matter.  We also have a large amount of gravity.  This is accepted.  But, let me change for a moment exactly what a black hole is.  It is NOT a singular central point.  Well, it may be projected as that in our three dimensional universe.  But it isn't actually.  A black hole is simply a center of gravity around which matter is racing at the speed of light.

A black hole is a gravity well so strong that light cannot escape it.  When a star collapses or when matter falls into a black hole, it circles it until it hits the event horizon (the point at which light can no longer escape the system) and at that point general relativity no longer can tell you what is happening to the matter. 

I can.

At the center of a black hole, matter continues to circle at the speed of light.  As mass enters the black hole, it isn't a perfect system, and can lose some of that energy back into space.  The area just before the event horizon glows (in relation to absolute darkness).  Further out it may glow in lower spectrum radiation, but the closer to the black hole, the higher energy the radiation needs to be to escape (the rest falls in).  As you get closer and closer to the center of mass, less and less is able to escape.  The speed of the mass rotating around the center of gravity is also nearing the speed of light.  At the event horizon, the rotation of the matter around the center of gravity does hit the speed of light.

The large amount of gravity ensures that total entropy is hit at the center of the black hole.  Quite literally nothing exists there that has any spacial dimensions.  Matter has been broken down into it's smallest form.  Matter is defeated by time because gravity overcomes it's counterbalance under these conditions and the base particles can no longer build into complex matter.

Looking at the event horizon from outside, we see a frozen image.  This is because from our point of view gravity's counterbalancing force is actually winning, just in the same way two trains could be moving in the same direction parallel to each other but the one at the slightly slower speed seems to be moving backwards.  To us, time has won and entropy was defeated on the event horizon.  From inside the black hole, the opposite appears to be true.  Entropy won completely and the universe ages to its end before our eyes (if seeing such things were actually possible from the event horizon, which of course they're not).

The fact is that both views are accurate.

From outside the black hole, from that perspective we use general relativity and the rules set out to work in our universe as we know it.  From inside the black hole, the counterbalancing set of rules apply.  But these rules are only ways to describe what is happening.  In reality both things are happening from certain points of view.

I would also contend that if two black holes were to merge and you were beyond the event horizon on the smaller black hole as it fell into the other larger one, you would appear to freeze in time at the larger one's event horizon.  And vice versa.  The person viewing from the larger black hole then you would see much the same as the person who sits on the event horizon and turns around to see the universe age and entropy.

The fact is that the grand unified theory is simply that the entire universe is simply perspective.  Quantum mechanics and general relativity both occur at all times; depending on your point of view they occur at varying degrees of accuracy.  This is a function of gravity and it's counterbalancing force.

***

As a bonus, the Big Bang...

In a three dimensional universe:

You know the story of the Big Bang as an explosion from a singularity into the entire universe... expanding and cooling and whatnot.

In a two dimensional universe:

Picture the surface of a body of water that stretches out as far as you can see in all directions and that you know is spherical (such as the Earth).  It is completely calm and has no defined depth because it is just a surface, there is no below the surface.  There are no variations in the water at all.  It is completely uniform.  Now poke the water.  Watch the ripples cascade out from your impact.  Instead of dissipating however, once an action takes place the ripples don't settle down.  The combined energy of your impact with the surface of the water is perfectly transferred every time it impacts on another area of the water.

This impact would have been how the beginning of the universe would have looked in a two dimensional universe.  It was only uniformity.  There was no way to divide it into pieces of any kind prior to the Big Bang.  There was quite literally nothing there but uniformity.  The existence of anything is predetermined by its difference from everything and/or anything else.  If everything is the same then nothing exists.  For example, if everyone has always been dead then no one is ever alive or if everyone is always happy then there is no such thing as sadness.  This is the the only way to describe the universe prior to the Big Bang

In a one dimensional universe:

Everything there could ever be is on a line.  It expands out at both ends like extruding spaghetti.

***

Bonus #2:  The Creation of the Universe and Time

Time is not yet apparent at the point of the Big Bang regardless of the number of dimensions it is experienced through, and therefore no creation is needed.  Until the universe "is" existing, in terms of time, it never was.  There was no creation as it always existed so long as time did.  Our concepts of time and infinity here create an equation with no solution.  The limit of the universe deviates from zero as time runs from its inception forward.

In reality, the Big Bang, or the creation of our universe occurred in a place with zero dimensions.  It both happened and didn't happen at the same time and both are correct interpretations of the event.  

This event (which you can't really call an event because it both happened and never happened) is the extrapolation of a zero dimensional event onto a dimension that includes three dimensions and time as a factor.

Remember though that what occurred at the event we call the Big Bang is different based on how many dimensions you are looking at it through.  As an example look at differentiation and integration in calculus... When you move from one level to another you can gain or lose data.  The differences in how we perceive the universe are the "+c" of the equation run in one direction and the discarded polynomial run in the other.  It both matters and doesn't matter, is an exact quantity and a general one, depending only on from which point you started looking at it.  The same is true of the universe.  Everything quite literally exists and doesn't exist, based on perspective.