Friday, October 16, 2015

On My Life Right Now

It's been several years since graduating college.  In that time I've done a lot of different things, been to a lot of new places, met a lot of new people.  But, something is still not completely right.  It's difficult when you spend your entire educational life heading towards a goal, and then when you reach that goal, there's nothing there at all.  It has been very difficult reconciling with the fact that I will never do what I had chosen to do after college, what I had prepared for for all of my educational life so far.  But that's nothing new.  Lots of people don't do what they were planning on doing.  Lots of people find something else that distracts them.  And, that's just fine.  

The problem is that I haven't found anything, not that I've found something else.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy my job most of the time (obviously even the most fulfilled person has their off days), but work isn't particularly fulfilling.  It's work.  For the most part the people are nice, that isn't the problem.  The job is fine.  The people are fine.  Everything is fine.  I won't say that it pays well, but it does pay the bills.  So that's fine too.

The problem isn't with work.  Work is something you do so that when you are not working you can enjoy the life that you're living.  The problem is that I'm definitely not enjoying the life that I'm living.  I don't do anything outside of work.  On a day off, I do nothing.  Ok maybe I do laundry and clean the apartment.  But that's not a life.

I simply do nothing.  I sleep in late.  I might actually spend the entire day in bed, on the laptop, pissing around the Internet, not really doing anything.  I may literally only get up to go to the bathroom, then right back to bed to watch Netflix or read some mindless political blog and argue with people clearly paid to troll on others.  If I'm feeling particularly ambitious I might get up and play video games for ten hours or so and then roll back into bed.  Or perhaps I might drive a ways north to frequent a Japanese restaurant I enjoy or else see a movie.  A night out now consists of that... Eating alone.  Then going to see a movie alone, preferably on a Tuesday or Wednesday night where the theater will literally be empty other than myself.

The problem is that all of this, every bit (except perhaps for the need to eat occasionally) leaves me with a sense of wasting time.  A sharp, guilt-like down feeling that I've wasted the entire day.  But, at the same time, I concede that I wasn't going to do anything anyway.  Frankly, it's not like I've done anything in years anyways.  The limit to my social interaction seems to be my bed.  And that's not nearly as thrilling as it might have been if it actually meant something.  

At the same time that my social life suffers, so do my dating prospects.  I don't do anything.  Remember, no hobbies, no interests, no real reason aside from work to get out of bed in the morning.  I don't meet people except for shitty online places or even shittier apps.  And that never works anyways.  People lie.  They want sex, and I find if they can't have it, they quickly lose interest.  I have no interest in meaningless sex.  It has no point.  It does nothing to make my life more interesting or happy aside from a few hours of sex (if they're not terrible, and they frequently are).  And that's only if you're compatible.  Otherwise it's just super awkward.

I haven't even dated anyone even casually (and I HATE casual dating) in more than three years now.  Every guy I meet seems to have a drug problem or smokes or else is so wrapped up in the hook up culture that they have no interest in anything more serious.  Or worse, engaging in dangerously unsafe sexual practices with random hook ups.  How guys can live like that I'll never understand.  I want someone to share my life with and so many, so so many seem to have given up.  When did it become the norm to accept the thought that you're not worth love?

I'm not suggesting that the hook up culture isn't a viable option for some.  I'm sure it is.  I'm suggesting that there are so many people out there who literally think...  "Ideally I'd love to find a husband/wife, but everyone out there just sucks, I'll probably be single forever."  And, I'm equally guilty of that thought process.  And I've dated a few and gone out on dates with many very attractive (physically, mentally, and otherwise) guys over the years.  So often I fall into the mindset of, I would totally stick with this guy if he was interested.  Though I'm sure the opposite has happened as well... where another guy would say the same about me, but I wasn't attracted to them for one reason or another.

It's not like I'm setting standards that are unattainable.  Be moderately physically attractive, be honest and monogamous, be romantic and in tune with sharing life with another person.  It's not really that difficult, but so much drama stems from those general qualities.  What's my type?  Monogamous, thoughtful, cares about himself, and is willing to try.  As time goes on though, I have an increasingly short fuse with stupid bullshit.  Like a guy that I'm seeing sitting on Grindr all night but is "working" all night.  Or a guy that I'm seeing exclusively trading naked photos with others.  Or a guy I'm dating getting drunk and making out with strangers.  I have no time for this. 

Why is it so difficult to find someone who actually wants to build a real, lifelong connection?  It's been done since the beginning of time, it shouldn't be this difficult.

Otherwise not much else is going on in life.  I want to write more, but I'm always tired.  Except when I can't sleep.  Which is even more problematic (and the reason I'm writing this tonight).  Even finding the willpower to do the simplest things is difficult.  I work all the time.  When I'm not working, I'm sleeping or else planning my life around my work schedule.  I have no social life.  I have no sex life to speak of.  I have no one special in my life.  I have no hobbies.  No interests.  No goals.  And no life quite frankly.

I'm not looking for someone to come sweep me off my feet.  I'm not naive enough to think such a thing is healthy or good.  Depending on others for happiness is a dead end.  I am looking to be happy however, and at the moment I'm at a loss as to how I'm going to do that all things considered.  Obviously there are those in my life that care about me and would try to make me happy.  The issue is that I have to find my own way.  I don't mean a job.  I mean for life.  Too often people equate one with the other.  They're much different.  As of late I'm feeling lost.  Hopefully I can find a way to improve that soon.  Four and a half years out of college and I'm not enjoying the lack of direction in my life right now.

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