Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Little Under Four Years

A little under four years ago, I set out into a new life and in many ways a new way of life, one that was for the most part devoid of my family and their consistently toxic influences. I did pretty well at it too. It was nice to get away from certain people and their points of view regarding some half dozen of my traits and views. Fast forward about three years or so. Last summer something started bothering me again that struck chords with that past situation I lived in. I didn't realize it at the time, but they had gotten back into my head. I still don't know how or why it happened, but I don't care either. I was lying in bed a few nights ago and it literally popped into my head. I'd figured it out, why I hadn't been really, genuinely happy since about last June. I couldn't believe that they had gotten so far back into my life! Well they're gone from sight and out of mind now. I'll be myself again thank you very much.

Originally I had made a mistake four years ago, a childish one to be sure. I pushed them away to spite them. And it worked for a while too. But as I grew and got older my feelings towards them changed from anger and vindictiveness to something closer to reticent understanding. In doing so, the barrier I erected lost it's power and they flooded back into my business. I realize this now. And in the ensuing years since four past I have come upon a stronger shield, though not realizing it, hadn't used it. Myself. I am my own person and I have to trust myself to make my own decisions for better AND for worse.

So, I'm finished letting their opinions and beliefs backdoor their way into my life and I'm finished letting them have any say in my actions. I am, as I have always been, my own person. It's time I start acting like it. And most importantly of all... I am free.

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