Where Have All the Real Friends Gone?

I'm really getting sick and tired of fake people. You know at least one of those people, right? The one everyone talks about behind their back. The one that comes home from an uneventful weekend skiing and is dead set on regaling you about how he saved polar bear from certain doom, rescuing him from the path of a falling tree, all the while maintaining perfect skiing form. In addition, he was commended for his bravery in a local paper, slept with six chicks or dudes, and was offered a spot on the Olympic ski team. THAT guy. Well, you know what? Fuck that guy! We KNOW you're lying. If it weren't for the mild amusement we get from trying to figure out what you'll say next, we'd be done with you ages ago. I want to know and respect the person that you really are. Your flaws and shortcomings are part of that person. Come on people, let's get real.

Oh and I have another problem. Apparently I'm a problem magnate. Yup. What's that you ask? Ha! Well, it came to my attention a couple of hours ago that just about everyone I'm friends with from high school has, has had, or seeming wants to have some sort of catastrophic emotional or mental problem. And quite frankly, I've had enough. I don't care about whether your mom still loves you. I don't care if your boyfriend isn't a good listener. I don't care if your dog won't stop taking a crap on the living room carpet and your dad's one shit away from shoving his scrawny little neck down the garbage disposal. I just DON'T CARE! Enough with this bull shit. Don't you think I've got enough problems of my own to not want to hear about yours at six o'clock in the morning? Get over yourself. YOU ARE NOT THAT IMPORTANT! And neither are your problems.

You know what I'd love? I'd love to meet someone, anyone who actually has a firm, self-confident grip on reality. Is that too much to ask? I just want to know someone who isn't going to add a whole avalanche of personal baggage onto my shoulders every time we hang out, someone who can hold their own in the world. For future reference, if you're not real, fuck off I don't want to meet you. I've got enough to worry about. Is it really that rare to find someone optimistic enough about life to realize that all our problems aren't worth a hill of beans? Seriously, I think I might know 1 maybe 2 people who actually get it, 1 or maybe 2 people that I can talk about anything too and not have to worry about how they're going to react, 1 or 2 people who are emotionally and mentally mature enough to stay cool under pressure and ask for help when needed. I guess what I'm trying to say is that they are the kind of person who realizes that the world doesn't revolve around them and that are open minded enough to try to see things from another point of view and at the same time respect that point of view regardless of whether or not they agree with it. All the rest, fuck 'em. Let me figure my shit out, then let them come talk to me about their mind-warping little issues. But, please guys, one at a fucking time!

Drawing off the last tidbit: Is is cool to have problems all of the sudden? I don't know, but I'd sure like to find out for sure, because I think I epitomize cool in that regard. It's not really that people have problems which annoys me though. No, it's the kinds of problems. I figure that some people just make mountains out of molehills because they ran out of this months supply of problems on the third day. Now if you've got some real problems you want to complain about, or something else that I can relate to, hell yeah, bring it on. It's healthy to vent now and then. Ever catch yourself making up stuff to make your bad shake sound worse? That's the kind of person I'd like to avoid.

I guess what I'm saying all along is all that I want is a little honesty and a little consideration. If you're my best friend then sure I want to try to help even if the problem is small, if anything to get you to relax a little. It's the acquaintances of mine that I don't want heaping their problems in my direction. And if I don't know you... oh you'd better stay the hell away from me with your baseball injuries and dog with a bladder infection, because I don't want to hear it. I don't like you; I don't want to talk to you; and for fuck's sake I don't care about your mom's sore tits.

So, I've decided I'm going to be more honest. If I don't want to hear about it, I'll tell you. If I'm willing to help; I'll try my best. But if you're not real with me, you're just wasting my time.