Sunday, January 4, 2009

20 More Days...

The Buried Life
by Matthew Arnold

Light flows our war of mocking words, and yet,
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
I feel a nameless sadness o’er me roll.
Yes, yes, we know that we can jest,
We know, we know that we can smile!
But there ’s a something in this breast,
To which thy light words bring no rest,
And thy gay smiles no anodyne;
Give me thy hand, and hush awhile,
And turn those limpid eyes on mine,
And let me read there, love! thy inmost soul.

Alas! is even love too weak
To unlock the heart, and let it speak?
Are even lovers powerless to reveal
To one another what indeed they feel?
I knew the mass of men conceal’d
Their thoughts, for fear that if reveal’d
They would by other men be met
With blank indifference, or with blame reprov’d;
I knew they liv’d and mov’d
Trick’d in disguises, alien to the rest
Of men, and alien to themselves—and yet
The same heart beats in every human breast!

But we, my love!—doth a like spell benumb
Our hearts, our voices?—must we too be dumb?

Ah! well for us, if even we,
Even for a moment, can get free
Our heart, and have our lips unchain’d;
For that which seals them hath been deep-ordain’d!

Fate, which foresaw
How frivolous a baby man would be—
By what distractions he would be possess’d,
How he would pour himself in every strife,
And well-nigh change his own identity—
That it might keep from his capricious play
His genuine self, and force him to obey
Even in his own despite his being’s law,
Bade through the deep recesses of our breast
The unregarded river of our life
Pursue with indiscernible flow its way;
And that we should not see
The buried stream, and seem to be
Eddying at large in blind uncertainty,
Though driving on with it eternally.

But often, in the world’s most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of this heart which beats
So wild, so deep in us—to know
Whence our lives come and where they go.

And many a man in his own breast then delves,
But deep enough, alas! none ever mines.
And we have been on many thousand lines,
And we have shown, on each, spirit and power;
But hardly have we, for one little hour,
Been on our own line, have we been ourselves—
Hardly had skill to utter one of all
The nameless feelings that course through our breast,
But they course on for ever unexpress’d.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self, and what we say and do
Is eloquent, is well—but ’t is not true!
And then we will no more be rack’d
With inward striving, and demand
Of all the thousand nothings of the hour
Their stupefying power;
Ah yes, and they benumb us at our call!
Yet still, from time to time, vague and forlorn,
From the soul’s subterranean depth upborne
As from an infinitely distant land,
Come airs, and floating echoes, and convey
A melancholy into all our day.

Only—but this is rare—
When a beloved hand is laid in ours,
When, jaded with the rush and glare
Of the interminable hours,
Our eyes can in another’s eyes read clear,
When our world-deafen’d ear
Is by the tones of a lov’d voice caress’d—
A bolt is shot back somewhere in our breast,
And a lost pulse of feeling stirs again.
The eye sinks inward, and the heart lies plain,
And what we mean, we say, and what we would, we know.
A man becomes aware of his life’s flow,
And hears its winding murmur, and he sees
The meadows where it glides, the sun, the breeze.

And there arrives a lull in the hot race
Wherein he doth for ever chase
The flying and elusive shadow, rest.
An air of coolness plays upon his face,
And an unwonted calm pervades his breast.
And then he thinks he knows
The hills where his life rose,
And the sea where it goes.

Friday, January 2, 2009

New Years' Resolutions

I love New Years' resolutions. Why? Because they're stupid, naturally. It says something about the human psyche that we make them in the first place. Think about the timing for starters. We conform our resolutions to the beginning of the year, yet rarely the problems they are supposed to solve actually begin at the beginning of the year. Rather they begin at any point of the year. Lose weight, get out of debt, find love, etc. None of these ideas are more likely to come to our conscious mind at exactly the stroke of midnight on New Year's Day. We put them off until then though under the premise that somehow the very fact that there is a marker delineating the beginning of the year that we are more likely to go through with the resolution. Of course we don't hold onto them at any better rate than any other "promise" we make to ourselves during the year. Why should we? Dates hold no significance in this sense to our psyche. It's just foolishness. And besides, we're always frightfully vague about what we want to do, as if by simply saying we want something a lot it will come true. We want to lose weight, but we don't eat better. We want to get out of debt, but we keep spending money. We want to find love but we keep sitting at home doing nothing.

New Year's becomes a point at which we can bullshit ourselves over. Instead of the fact that we didn't plan out how we are going to accomplish the goals we want to, we bullshit ourselves into believing in this curse of the New Year's Resolution that because we asked for it, it won't come true. Of course, in the end, we are just bullshitting ourselves.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Some Happiness

Usually when I write it's about something I'm passionate about. Therefore, usually it's also to complain about something as it is now. Of course that's not all I am, but it does tend to be the most vocal part in this forum. After all, I'm rarely inspired to take the time to write about things that I like or that are going moderately well. And more so, rarely do things go so absolutely well that I feel compelled to write. Understandably, I come across as angry or cold or argumentative from time to time. Thusly then I would like to break up the unpleasantries... Enjoy.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Day 8 of 37

So I just tabulated the number of days for the first time this vacation and since I'm heading home (back) on the 25th, that'll be 29 more days. Not too too bad considering that summer consists of some 101 days. Oh well, I got outside today so at least now I'm in a bit of a better mood. When I'm not in a good mood, I tend to sulk and that doesn't help. So getting out into the real world helped. In the very least it was a change of scenery and that helped as well. Sunlight is always a positive in my book. Unfortunately I may not be seeing much more of it this break, other than the Wednesdays this month that I'll be heading back to tutor. (High school is still in session and I promised I'd help during finals period.) I've got to create my US History I curriculum for next semster as well as start on my US History II stuff as well. It'll be fun to finally teach but the work beforehand is sort of interesting and sort of irritating. Other than that I get to stress about applying to grad school. Of course, to teach one needs their M.Ed. (Masters of Education) and I do want to continue working with the program that I have been working with as an undergraduate. Of course, I have to apply and of course they could say no. That's particularly stressing me out, but I hope that if I get one more reference, when they get back to me, that I should be okay. It's the waiting time that is so stressful! If I don't get in here then I won't be very happy at all. Plus I'd have to go look for a job for next year, which I don't want to do, preferring rather to continue and finish completely my education before I turn into one of those older people wafting about the halls trying to recapture their youth. Frankly, I'd rather keep going at in now and then move on to the "real" world after if I can. Here's to hoping!

Cheers,
FFF
(29 more days!)