So, It's THAT Time of Year Again...

Undoubtedly there isn't a person alive who harbors more hatred to vacation than I do. I'm finished with my work. I get to go home, see my family, relax without a care... Except that there are cares and they revolve around my family. I am not myself at home, and I use that term loosely. Home that is. I have to be something else because what I am inside and out isn't quite welcome. Maybe it's only in my head. Maybe I imagine looks of grief and dismay when the perfect son doesn't turn out to be perfect in its accepted definition.

I gave up long ago the things that they value. I don't care about traditionality. I am not proper. I am not conservative. I do not believe that I should shun parts of what I am because others believe them to be wrong or incorrect or foolish. In many ways I am everything that they dislike. I am an atheist. I am gay. I am utterly liberal. I am brutally capable at defending myself in argument. And I do not respect them. They'll live with the atheism, it can be ignored. My family does a superb job at ignoring that which they don't like. They could even dismiss liberality if carefully worded. But bringing another man home to meet the family? I would be treated to a fight of Armageddon magnitude. But you know what, I'd still like to do it eventually. It's a price I'd pay gladly. I would lose my inheritance, which would do wonders for a teacher's salary. I would turn away and never look back. But most of all, I'd know I won. That they couldn't break me, that something good and pure came out of that accursed gene pool at least just once.

Theirs is a home of traditional values and of traditional solutions to traditional "problems". Theirs is a home of crippled emotion and scathing commentary. Going home is entering combat where every word is a bullet and every stare is a knife. And worst of all, on the surface remains the sugarcoat of love. Because we love you we want you to change. Because we love you, you must be wrong. Because we are looking out for your best interests you must obey. Love, just enough to keep you coming back. Just enough to make you feel bad about yourself. Just enough to make a good person love in return. But it is saccharin, a false sugar. Playing with your emotions it tears you between the person you are and the person that they want you to be.

Three and a half years ago I left that life behind, but every year I return and every year I must endure weeks and months of combat. Survival means the suppression of that which is different and strange to them. It hurts more and more every time -- fitting back into that mold as I have grown so much these few years. There I am alone because in the time I've taken to find myself, everyone I cared for have moved on. To grow into the person that I am becoming I grew away from them. Such is life. At any rate, they are reminders of the life I left behind.

So for me, the end of a semester always brings about a long dark shadow and what amounts to nothing less than a sickening, sulking sadness. It will assume control of my mind for most of January and not relent until I have returned back here again. I only fear that soon there will be no return and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself then. It's not that I fear losing what I am. That will not happen, I don't believe. But what will happen is unending misery, an everlasting searing burn that would continue to scar me deeper and deeper.

I need to create a life for myself and I will soon have to move on quickly. I don't know how to, but anyone who is understanding of my situation and anyone who values love and friendship, the full expression of oneself, and above all a tenet for which I hold much respect: be true to oneself and one another, then you are most welcome to walk with me. For the rest, I have said before and I will said it again: You are welcome to continue to live your life with liars and hatemongers, but you will see me no more.

Excuse me for my dreary rant, but its soothing.

Peace and FLYFREEFOREVER

Spongelike

It's funny sometimes how the things that I want to talk about hit me. Sometimes it's completely out of the blue and I have to find a pen and paper to leave myself a note so that I can push it from my mind and focus on whatever I need to do first. Ideas seem to come in spurts, two, three, six at a time. Sometimes I'll write something down and completely forget what it means later. I can't begin to tell you how annoying that is. Other times pressure builds in my mind. It builds and builds and I can't do anything at all. Like a foot asleep I cease to function until I post something.

When I began this endeavor more than three years ago, I didn't plan anything. I didn't think it would get this large or this far. I didn't think it wouldn't either. It never really crossed my mind. It was a stream of sanity in a sea of nonsense. I have to attribute the longevity of my postings (as I tend to be reasonably disinterested about doing things that don't have a clear cut end or goal) to an unending and many times irritating wonder. I wonder about things. This and that. Why is the most powerful question one can ask and many times it seems my mind gets stuck on that, for better or worse.

The next week will likely be devoid of postings, at least until I finish a bunch of work I need to do before I go on vacation. Vacation. Now that's something I can do without. But I'll leave that to another post sometime. This year has gone so fast, especially the last half. I can't believe it's almost over. It feels so unfinished, that there was so much potential to it, but time and way too much work takes that away. I don't know. This Fall hasn't been kind to me. Hopefully winter can help get my head back in place. Doubtful, but I'm rambling. So let's leave it at that. Here's to 2008: I hardly knew ye.

How We See Things...

Just a quick one for tonight...

We see things based on how we feel (good, bad, or in between). There is a sliding scale of responses that we could have to each thing that occurs in our life. If we're happy we have one response. If we're unhappy or even slightly less or more happy, we have a different response.

The key to happiness is to be happy. When we are happy, we make good decisions and have good experiences. Therefore we are more happy. Sadness is self defeating. Sad people make bad decisions and thus become sadder. Sad but true. Happiness and sadness (as well as all other emotions) are self fulfilling and cyclical.

So be happy. There's something to be happy for, I'm sure. Personally, I'm thankful for good friends this Thanksgiving. Truly they make my life much more happy and I am grateful for that. What are you happy for?

Peace, love, and Happy Thanksgiving,
FFF

The Economic Cluster Fuck...

Allow me to demonstrate...

We are presently in a period of no job creation. Employers are laying off workers and no jobs are being created to replace them. If the auto industry fails, as it very well could (and perhaps rightfully should if only the CEOs would be affected) that would dump another 3.5 million or more unemployed people into the system on top of the 6.5+ million now collecting unemployment and countless million others who have now run out of it. This massive number of unemployed (likely over 15 million) equates to 5% of the ENTIRE population of the US, INCLUDING CHILDREN, INCLUDING those collecting Social Security. With approx. 151.4 million working Americans that equates to 1 in 10. Decreased buying power results of this, first from those who can't afford to spend for more than necessity anymore (the unemployed) and soon thereafter by those who still have jobs that, realizing the crisis at hand, stop spending as well. This has already begun to happen. Look at the auto industry. People have stopped buying cars. Look at the housing industry. People have all but stopped buying houses. Look at any major asset industry and you will see the same. People are waiting to buy or cannot afford to buy luxury items. When 10% of the population is out of work, something else begins to happen. The affect of penny pinching on the economy ripples again and more businesses have to close thus increasing the number of unemployed, thus increasing the number of penny pinchers, thus increasing the number of unemployed... It is cyclical and terminal.

FDR's programs under the New Deal revitalized the economy as did WWII by getting people back to work so that they could consume again. The 1950's boom was the result. We NEED to do this now. Bailouts are temporary fixes. It is cash to keep companies on their feet. They are a stop gap alone. We must create jobs. We have a crumbling infrastructure. Bridges, electricity grid, roads, the spread of broadband Internet, any number of things will do, just make the jobs. Likewise, those who claim that the bailout, no matter how big, is wrong, are WRONG. It is a temporary measure that must be taken UNTIL people have money again and begin to spend again. I have no love of big business, but they do employ millions. For the economy to rebound, these people need to remain in jobs. Otherwise, the gov't will have to subsidize that much more industry to make that many more jobs to kick start the economy again. The infrastructure already exists in big business, maintaining that on life support is the best alternative now while creating new jobs. The true economic kick start is one that spurs spending by the general population. Jobs are needed. Bailouts are only a lifeline.