I know I don't have all the answers. Hell I don't even understand half the questions. It nags at you and try as you might you can't scratch the itch. I always thought I had a pretty good grasp on what life was all about, I really did, well, better than most did anyways. I thought I had all the answers and I'd solved all the questions. But that nagging itch remained. Well it's more of a lead weight I suppose than an itch.
I've had all summer to wonder about life and love and happiness and all that stuff, but I've come out of it worse than I've gone in. Sucks, it really does. But, in a way it's satisfying to know, looking back, how far I've come. I'm still not genuinely happy about everything yet, but I'm resigned to it not being so. And good for that, I suppose one is only completely happy when life has been lived and is over. At 19, that would be one of the worst things to happen.
I do conflict over a few little things too. I've always said, if only to myself, that I'm not long for this world. Not that I'd do anything stupid or something. But, I've always kind of expected that I wouldn't be in it for the long haul. Then again there's the part of me that wants to stick around and finish my book and watch my family grow up and move on. There's a big part of my mind that wouldn't give up on living, wouldn't accept that fate, even if it did manifest itself. A part of my mind doesn't ever want to die and part thinks that it's far overdue.
I mentioned that I'd like to live to see my family grow and move on. I didn't mention myself. And I didn't mention a spouse or children. And there we come to conflict two. I do mean it when I say I so completely want to be the most kickass grandfather in the history of man. Oh, you'd better believe I'll say what I believe and believe what I say. And I definitely want to show my parents up by having kids and being a whole hell of a lot better to them than they've been to me. I do want that, even more than life itself sometimes. There's the part of me that just wants to hug and hold my kids as babies, watch them grow and help them along their way. But then there's the other part of me that looks to the future and sees me alone. Not lonesome or something, just alone, having never married, having never had children. Content with the quiet and single life. Alone. In a good way. If you can understand that.
It's maddening! It really is. I can't understand it. And, modesty aside, I understand most things quite easily. I look at the here and now and dream of the future and desire that it falls into place of it's own accord. Yet I know that given the chance I'd do anything I could to guide it along.
Just when you think you've got it all figured out, you realize you've got comparatively nothing done next to the new things that popped up. Every time the biggest questions get answered in my head others pop up, sometimes even old ones again. It's maddening!
Some nights my head gets bogged down so badly with this stuff that I lie there in bed for hours just trying to make sense of all of it. Because that's when it all comes to me, isn't it. Right when I have to get to bed. These are the sort of silly thoughts that pop up when you're at your weakest... Damn, there I go again. Let me start over... These are the sort of silly thoughts that pop up when I'm at my weakest, most penetrable. And I'm not talking about suicide. Not ever. I'm talking about baseless insecurities and fears. Things that'll rob from me the little good that I have in my life. Stupidity is what it is. Sheer stupidity.
I now believe that the only people who are truly sane are those who are completely insane. Those who break the mold that we've sunk ourselves, I've sunk myself, into for all these years. I look back to when I was eight or ten and things were so much simpler then. We never wondered whether something someone said had some hidden meaning behind it, questioned ourselves, had baseless fear run rampant through our minds... my mind at its weakest points. Insecurity, that's what it is. I don't trust people. Then again, how could I. The things I've seen and felt detrimented that. My past drives me mad every day. Every day. And that little voice that manifested itself back in those days still shines through at times. It pours doubt and fear into me. It fights back the ages for which I've tried to kill it. And it fights dirty.
But, so do I. They say that there are no atheists in the foxholes. Well, perhaps that's true. But I don't think it has anything to do with a god or a religion. In the trenches they are stripped of their happiness, their love, of everything that is good for them. They face the same harsh reality that I face many-a-day. Every painful, fearful, embarrassing, hurtful event in their lives flash past their eyes, perhaps unbeknownst them even. All they can focus on is fighting it, fighting to stay alive. Fighting for their lives. I too fight for my life. Not literally, figuratively. I fight every day to push away doubt and depression, fear and pain. I push as hard as I can and then some more. Because I have to. Because I refuse to relive my past. I refuse to let it keep me down. I refuse.
I'm stubborn, and it knows it. That's why it hasn't got to me yet. Why I could never really let it get me for that long. I'm just to goddamned stubborn. So, I'm heading back to school tomorrow and back to a world which I much prefer. Yet I can't help but wonder what the future holds, even as early as twelve hours from now. I can only wonder. But come what may, and I know that there I have it better than anyone here ever thinks they deserve. But that's not going to stop anything, not a damn thing. I'll move on, and too answer more of my questions and in doing so add even more, but such is life, and I'm content with living mine. And that is the bottom line motherfucker!
Sunday, September 3, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
August 29th 2005
I know that I haven't given this much of my time over the past year, but now I believe it is more than necessary to add my two cents.
It is the responsibility of the media to report the news. It is their only job. And even they failed. Sure day after day they spoke of the horrors of hurricane Katrina. But, they did not do their job. They did not hold our politicians to the fire. They sensationalised. They used this disaster for their own means, to further their ratings. How dare they. They had the ability. They had the requirement. They were given fish in a barrel and continued to fish the sea. They need to learn that we are not playthings used for ratings. We are not tools for the board members money making schemes. Each and every one of us were failed that day and it's ensuing weeks and months. They've shown where their loyalties lie. Apparently we can put a price on human life.
It is the responsibility of the government to protect its people, not only from abroad, but also from internal stressors. Hurricane Katrina was a freak accident. But in it, they failed us too. It is the responsibility of the United States government down to its lowliest members to work for the American people. To say that they will and to put funds towards it is one thing. But to actually act and to make progress and calm disaster victims. To say to do and to do are different things entirely. And you've failed us all. Our government has made sacrifices against the public discourse for years. Cutting budgets here and there, but nothing too distinct. After all, who would've thought this could happen? But they knew it could happen, or the money would've existed in the first place. They took our money and funded an unsuccessful war on foreign soil. They built a 200 million dollar bridge in Alaska. They cut taxes. They cut federal funding of educational loans further dividing the upper and lower classes. They did this. And many of you voted for them. They made the choice not to give proper attention to New Orleans because it would mean giving less attention to their war, less money to their causes. After all, what are the lives of a few thousand poor people? They don't pay much in the way of taxes, sucking money from public services. And the government is better off without you (so long as you already voted for them). It was win-win for them. So now why don't you tell them what you really think of them? That's your job too.
It is the responsibility of every person in this country to help their fellow man for the betterment of all mankind. It may not be a law, but shouldn't have to be. Looters. Thieves. Scam artists. The whole lot of you. You are what's most wrong with this country. You were there. You could've helped. But no, you make off with someone's TV or computer and let others suffer and die for your selfish act. No one, NO ONE who profited from the disaster has any right to anything that this nation has. You are lower than the lowest. The bottom of the barrel is higher than you. Why? Didn't you take a look around while you were fishing jewelry out of someone's basement? There they were, the bottom of the barrel, the dregs of mankind to some, fighting for life and for their families lives. Racism? Perhaps this has some merit. Classism? Surely this does. But titles and excuses aside, weren't they just people? People just like you? And you decided to prey on them. That's what you did. Preyed on them. You are the reason that over 1,836 people died that day. If you had worked together with your fellow man what could you have done? Came together? Found food and shelter? Medicine? Dignity? Yours is the fate of those covered in white sheets along the side of the road. Yours is the destiny of those who were victims of crime and plunder. Yours is the end of those who suffered more than anyone should ever have to suffer. Yours is ignorance and greed, destitution and disease that has plagued this nation for too long. You've failed us all and you've failed yourselves.
***
In the end we must ask ourselves what has been learned. Learned? Surely those who suffered and survived have learned a thing or two, but what about the rest of us? Has America really learned anything at all?
As a result of August 29th 2005 strides in the fight against discrimination should have been made. They have not. The government should have realized that their preparedness is lacking and fixed that. They have not. Foreign wars should have been ended so that our National Guardsmen and Guardswomen could come home and protect the homeland from disaster, man-made and natural. They have not. News companies should have moved away from sensationalism and instead promoted the general welfare of the public. They have not. Help should have been given free of charge to all those who needed help. They have not received that help. And this government should have been thrown out of office for dereliction of duty. And it too, has not.
What may have happened if we had the resources and the manpower to resurrect New Orleans on August 30th, I don't know. But I do know that not trying, and not being able to are undeniably the biggest failures in the history of this nation. We ALL should be ashamed of ourselves.
It is the responsibility of the media to report the news. It is their only job. And even they failed. Sure day after day they spoke of the horrors of hurricane Katrina. But, they did not do their job. They did not hold our politicians to the fire. They sensationalised. They used this disaster for their own means, to further their ratings. How dare they. They had the ability. They had the requirement. They were given fish in a barrel and continued to fish the sea. They need to learn that we are not playthings used for ratings. We are not tools for the board members money making schemes. Each and every one of us were failed that day and it's ensuing weeks and months. They've shown where their loyalties lie. Apparently we can put a price on human life.
It is the responsibility of the government to protect its people, not only from abroad, but also from internal stressors. Hurricane Katrina was a freak accident. But in it, they failed us too. It is the responsibility of the United States government down to its lowliest members to work for the American people. To say that they will and to put funds towards it is one thing. But to actually act and to make progress and calm disaster victims. To say to do and to do are different things entirely. And you've failed us all. Our government has made sacrifices against the public discourse for years. Cutting budgets here and there, but nothing too distinct. After all, who would've thought this could happen? But they knew it could happen, or the money would've existed in the first place. They took our money and funded an unsuccessful war on foreign soil. They built a 200 million dollar bridge in Alaska. They cut taxes. They cut federal funding of educational loans further dividing the upper and lower classes. They did this. And many of you voted for them. They made the choice not to give proper attention to New Orleans because it would mean giving less attention to their war, less money to their causes. After all, what are the lives of a few thousand poor people? They don't pay much in the way of taxes, sucking money from public services. And the government is better off without you (so long as you already voted for them). It was win-win for them. So now why don't you tell them what you really think of them? That's your job too.
It is the responsibility of every person in this country to help their fellow man for the betterment of all mankind. It may not be a law, but shouldn't have to be. Looters. Thieves. Scam artists. The whole lot of you. You are what's most wrong with this country. You were there. You could've helped. But no, you make off with someone's TV or computer and let others suffer and die for your selfish act. No one, NO ONE who profited from the disaster has any right to anything that this nation has. You are lower than the lowest. The bottom of the barrel is higher than you. Why? Didn't you take a look around while you were fishing jewelry out of someone's basement? There they were, the bottom of the barrel, the dregs of mankind to some, fighting for life and for their families lives. Racism? Perhaps this has some merit. Classism? Surely this does. But titles and excuses aside, weren't they just people? People just like you? And you decided to prey on them. That's what you did. Preyed on them. You are the reason that over 1,836 people died that day. If you had worked together with your fellow man what could you have done? Came together? Found food and shelter? Medicine? Dignity? Yours is the fate of those covered in white sheets along the side of the road. Yours is the destiny of those who were victims of crime and plunder. Yours is the end of those who suffered more than anyone should ever have to suffer. Yours is ignorance and greed, destitution and disease that has plagued this nation for too long. You've failed us all and you've failed yourselves.
***
In the end we must ask ourselves what has been learned. Learned? Surely those who suffered and survived have learned a thing or two, but what about the rest of us? Has America really learned anything at all?
As a result of August 29th 2005 strides in the fight against discrimination should have been made. They have not. The government should have realized that their preparedness is lacking and fixed that. They have not. Foreign wars should have been ended so that our National Guardsmen and Guardswomen could come home and protect the homeland from disaster, man-made and natural. They have not. News companies should have moved away from sensationalism and instead promoted the general welfare of the public. They have not. Help should have been given free of charge to all those who needed help. They have not received that help. And this government should have been thrown out of office for dereliction of duty. And it too, has not.
What may have happened if we had the resources and the manpower to resurrect New Orleans on August 30th, I don't know. But I do know that not trying, and not being able to are undeniably the biggest failures in the history of this nation. We ALL should be ashamed of ourselves.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Retracting My Thanks to the Yankee Fans
Upon perusing the sports networks this past weekend, I'd rather pretend I never thanked Yankee fans for anything. In fact, I will go so far as to suggest that they shut their big damn pie holes and let me do the booing. I can't help but wonder if my action towards the fans in the previous week had led to the occurrences of this past weekend. To ensure that it never happens again I'd like to reiterate: FUCK YANKEE FANS! FUCK THEM ALL! FUCK THEM IN THE ASS! FUCK THEM HARD! FUCK THEM ALL NIGHT LONG! FUCK THEM RAW! ...And so forth.
As always,
FlyFreeForever
As always,
FlyFreeForever
Thursday, August 17, 2006
A Horse's Bush
This just in, and it's about time too, I-TOLD-YOU-SO. That's what I have to say about the NSA's stateside wiretapping program. Just today a federal judge declared the actions of the NSA and it's authorization by George W. Bush to be completely unconstitutional and therefore completely illegal under any and all circumstances.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
That's all I've got to say about that. I win you lose.
And that brings me to the other issue I want to talk about... Earlier today in Ohio, an Amish horse and buggy got into a little mishap with an oncoming vehicle. The horse, spooked, jumped out into traffic, rolled up onto the hood and sent four passengers in the car and two in the buggy to the hospital. No where in the report however did they question the health or wellbeing of the horse, which leads me to believe that they shot it. Do the Amish shoot horses? I don't know. Oh well.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
That's all I've got to say about that. I win you lose.
And that brings me to the other issue I want to talk about... Earlier today in Ohio, an Amish horse and buggy got into a little mishap with an oncoming vehicle. The horse, spooked, jumped out into traffic, rolled up onto the hood and sent four passengers in the car and two in the buggy to the hospital. No where in the report however did they question the health or wellbeing of the horse, which leads me to believe that they shot it. Do the Amish shoot horses? I don't know. Oh well.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)