On Fag Hags and Why They HATE Me

Fair warning, this post will probably come across as very negative to some people.  It is however my experience with this topic, and that has been quite negative.  Life.

Anywho, a "fag hag" is a girl that is good or more often best friends with a gay guy.  And as a rule I do not like them and they do not like me.  This is basically a universal truth in my experiences with them.  I don't think I've found one from any of the gay guys I know that I have gotten along with.

The reason behind this is really quite simple.  It is ingrained in the role they play in the gay guy's life and the role the gay guy plays in their life.  She is a facilitator of and justification for poor decision-making.  They are each other's excuse for every bad decision, every drunken hook up, every drug taken, every excessive party gone to, and every unwise action they take.  Because the other was with them that wild Friday night, their behavior was justified, whatever happened.  Of course it could be as harmless as occasionally drinking too much, to more detrimental... unsafe hook ups, cheating on their significant other, drugs, in general those kind of actions that are seen as carefree in your teenage or college years, but which are very detrimental to an adult relationship.

Because the gay guy isn't doing these things alone, they feel like it's not so bad that they do them.  And likewise, because she has him there too, she is justified in making poor decisions, regardless of how unsafe, dangerous, detrimental, or otherwise unwise, because he was also doing them.

So, if Dave goes out with Gloria on Sunday night to a really crazy party, the party gets raided, they both get arrested for possession, it's not the worst thing in the world... because the other one was there too.  Neither feels at major fault for unwise actions because clearly if their trusted friend is also doing them, then they can't be all that bad.  They can laugh it off as their little secret and go about their day.  It's just another "crazy" night they've had, and they bond over it.

I'm sure by this point I'm coming off as pretty pretentious to both fag hags and those who have them, but if you know me, my reaction to this phenomenon shouldn't be that much of a surprise and it is also why every fag hag I've ever known hates me and why I hate them.

You see, when I date the gay guy, I effectively take him away from her.  This is even true if I'm only platonic friends with the gay guy.  I supplant her position in his life, she feels threatened and feels like I'm taking something away from her.  More so, I tend to be "mature."  I'm the guy looking for the guy that wants to settle down, have a life together, have a family, careers, etc.  That life does not fit in with crazy Friday nights and drunken sluttiness.  It involves diapers and school buses, steady jobs and schedules, romantic weekend trips and "boring" video game nights.  It means monogamy and marriage, love, and happily ever after.  

While of course the girl would still play a role in his life, it would be a decreased role.  As a relationship grows, I spend more time with him and we spend more time confiding in each other-- using each other as support during difficult times instead of the girl.  She feels threatened and develops negative feelings towards the boyfriend/husband/(me), and in some cases, even tries to break them/us up (personal experience, don't ask).

Deep down, most guys do want to find that guy to spend the rest of their lives with, and yes most guys at one time or another do fill that emptiness with wild partying, drugs, hook ups, and/or a lot of other things.  Fag hags compliment them in those actions that they take to fill that void.  They justify poor decision-making.  Unfortunately for her though, most guys eventually grow up.  They find that amazing guy they want to have a happily ever after with, and the move on from sluttiness, drug abuse, over drinking, and such.  As a couple, their interests evolve from the "going out" mentality more to the "staying in" mentality.  That's not to say that they're boring and never go to a party or never have drinks, or never screw up and wander into work hung over, bleary eyed, and exhausted.  But, it declines.  Family becomes more important than "excitement".  Building a life together and a family together requires stability and security.  Two guys who go out Saturdays drink too much, take Molly, and cheat on each other will not have a successful relationship.

In short, I hate fag hags because they embody many of the qualities that are wrong for a potential husband.  And, they hate me because their gay guy wants me more than bad decision-making.  To me, she is the bad influence, but to her I am the bad influence.  Of course, this isn't true in all cases, but it is certainly true in the experiences I've had and in most of the ones I've seen others have.

Visiting Family for the Holidays

In case you haven't seen my previous posts on the issue in past years, I can't stand visiting "home" for the holidays.  Any holiday.  Frankly, even for an afternoon.  My parents are of course equal parts insane and meddling, like most parents, but they are also very homophobic.  Due to this fact, visiting them is at best mildly frustrating and and worst catastrophic.  If you know me, you know that I don't change who I am for others.  Ever.  No exceptions.  I am who I am and if you don't like it, tough.  That's not to say I'm a terrible person or anything.  Most people enjoy my company.  The problem with family though is quite pronounced.

I've reached the point in life where I'm looking for a good man to start a (obviously monogamous) relationship with, settle down with, start a family and a life with, etc.  At the same time, that potential man would never be welcome in my parents' home.  I could never show him where I grew up, my childhood bedroom, the trees I climbed as a kid.  I could never have him meet my parents. 

It makes me very sad that I can't share this part of my youth.  It's not that I had an amazing childhood--perhaps frankly the opposite sometimes.  But, it is part of who I am and it is where I came from.  I would want my future husband to be able to experience those things, share in my life story fully, but they can't.

I don't need my parents' validation for my future husband.  I really don't care if they like him or not.  I do care however what this potential love of my life thinks though.  I would want him to be able to see the whole me.  I would want for myself and for him for my life to come full circle, to see where I came from and the man I've become today, to see the full picture.  

Simply put, I'd want to share everything with him and I can't through no fault of my own or his.  This becomes even more poignant if he can share that part of his life with me.  It makes me disappointed and embarrassed for my parents.  I live my life openly and happily, it's difficult to come into contact with the opposite in their house.

A Little Food for Thought

The first... the culminating monologue from the 1940 Charlie Chaplin movie The Great Dictator.  The premise of the movie is that a Jewish barber during WWII accidentally replaces Hitler as the leader of Germany and the Nazi army.  This speech is also the reason why he never worked in Hollywood again.  Apparently mocking Hilter is a bad thing?  In reality it was a fight against fascism.  Perhaps something today we need to keep in mind...

The second is about the pettiness of our hatred for others.  I post this in regards to Syrian refugees and the further crisis the US right wing is trying to making out of their displacement.  The photo of the "Pale Blue Dot" is taken from the Voyager space craft.  It is the most distant photo of a visible Earth ever taken.

The Most Fundamental Law of Sexual Attraction

If there is only one thing you know about dating, sex, relationships, love, the whole gambit, know this:

You receive that which you project.

Scenario:

Every guy that expresses interest in you that you are attracted to is an asshole.  They're all looking out for their own sexual needs, and while you're looking for a relationship and something serious, all they want to do is play.

Every guy?

Seriously though, sometimes we feel this way.  Sometimes we feel that every guy with which there is mutual interest is WRONG for us.  Regardless of what we're looking for.  Maybe you're looking for guys that want to hook up and you keep finding clingy relationship type guys.  Or possibly (and frankly more likely) the opposite, you want a relationship and the only guys that seem interested in you want your dick and nothing else.  I've been there, you've been there, we've ALL been there at one point or another.

Why?

As I said previously: You receive that which you project.

If every guy that seems interested and that you're interested in wants a fuck buddy, and you want a relationship, this is the reason.  You're projecting yourself as wanting a fuck buddy.  Consciously or subconsciously in your actions, you are sabotaging yourself.

When you talk to a guy, and he wants to hook up, and you think that if you're really good in bed, he'll change his mind and stay around, you're fooling yourself.  When he expresses a desire for a relationship and all you want is sex, he won't put out, or at least it will turn into an emotional cluster fuck after you try to separate yourself from him.

The good news?

There is good news!  Look at the guys that you are attracting.  Do they fall in line with what you're looking for?  If yes, then great!  You've got the best possible chance of finding the right guy for your desires.  If not, you're projecting, or in other words, giving out the wrong signals.

Guys are not mind readers.  If you act like a slut in the way you flirt, you will only attract sluts.  (No offense to genuine sluts!  You rock!)  And if you act less sexual you tend to attract people looking for a relationship.  Guys who want relationships don't go after guys who act like sluts.  Why?  Simple.  If you're looking for a relationship and this guy, NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE(!), acts like a slut and comes on to you like they're looking for sex, you're going to brush them aside.  Likewise, if you come after sex as a guy looking for a long term relationship, you're going to attract only those looking for a long term relationship.  Guys looking for casual sex will not look first to the guy who comes across looking for something serious.  Of course, if there's no one else around they may still come by.  But even if you're looking for casual sex, if you're projecting relationship potential, and they still come for you, maybe you just want to sit this one out.  Think about the morals that person has.  Probably not worth any self-respecting slut's time.

Conclusions:

If you want a relationship, make sure you're projecting those signals, both consciously as you speak with guys, but also in the way you flirt and the way you approach guys.  Relationship seekers don't like the casual sex seeker regardless of how hot they are.

The same is equally true for the opposite.  If you're looking for casual sex, project that when you meet guys.  Be open and honest.  Casual sex is not a bad thing.  It helps us discover what we like and who we want.  Some of us only want casual sex, and that's great, but some do move on as well, and you should respect that desire as well.

Love

Not sure why I wanted to post this.  It is a beautiful song about a gay man's desire to find love in the 1980's.  For as many things have changed in 30 years, for as much as we have advanced and shown that we are equal to straight people, this song about the desire to find love, universal to all people of all sexual orientations, remains as strong, as deep, and as unequivocally beautiful.

 

And one more for those stories that don't always end the way you want them to.  Ok maybe a tad dramatic, but everyone's been there at one point or another.  It is the price you sometimes pay for the chance at finding love.

 

Yet sometimes you might come across a once in a lifetime person, in whom you find something greater than yourself, that means more to you than anyone or anything, even yourself.  It is a unique kind of magic.

Final Update: On Myself, Love, and My Perfect Guy

MYSELF

I'm in a good place myself.  I am enjoying life more than I had in the past few years.  I feel like I've begun to settle into life in general after college.  It's sort of strange though, as just a few weeks ago I might have thought otherwise.  I had said otherwise.  But, it seems to be true.


I've focused more on myself lately.  I don't mean in a selfish way, but that I've spent time assessing life, where I've been, and where I'm going.  A lot has happened in the last three years, from graduating college, to a two year relationship ending, to moving around for work, to work itself.  There has been a LOT of change in my life and as I see it now, also a lack of stability.  But now that this has been addressed I move forward again and I feel that I'm ready and happy to do so, which is a welcome change.  I hope the feeling continues into the new year.

LOVE

As I said, I'm ready to move forward.  Ostensibly, I have been "over" my ex for around two years now.  Perhaps a bit more.  After getting out of a serious relationship, it takes time to unwind and rework yourself before you're in a good mindset to try again.  I realize now that the relationship itself wasn't really good for me.  Nothing against the guy, he'd always been very nice, but our differences led to difficulty in the relationship.  But I digress, it doesn't matter anymore.


In time, I went out on dates and picked up Grindr again and met and/or spoke with many possible guys.  I went out with a few off and on.  But, it wasn't until recently that I have been ready to find a relationship again.  Though, I moved on from the relationship after the first year after the breakup but I wasn't looking to get into another one truthfully and wholehearted until recently.  I had wanted to take a break.  I had dated two guys... the last one and the one before, back-to-back for the better part of three years, more than half of college.  I needed time to myself to reorganize and reassess.  And, I did.

This past week working away from my home location, I had a lot (and I mean a lot) of time to dedicate thought, and I did use it.  I think it had been coming along for a while now.  I'm ready to make a new effort again.  A serious effort.  I've always put everything I've got into serious relationships (the two I've spoken of).  It takes a lot out of me at the same time, when they don't work out.

So, this morning I went through my computer and phone and deleted all of the old photos (particularly the private ones).  I took down three of my "dating" apps.  I'll keep grindr and okcupid.  But, I've also erased grindr.  Why?  Why any of this?  Because, I'm done playing around.  Finished.  I want to find something real, and something real isn't someone that leaves if you don't put out when you first meet.  Real isn't "Netflix and chill".  Real means that I'm confident in myself and ok with being alone in the meantime.  I don't need a random body lying next to me.

I will continue to do everything I can to make myself into the most perfect version of me that I can be.  And, then, I need to attract my perfect guy.

MY PERFECT GUY

Everyone has a perfect guy.  They embody certain qualities and traits that they find most attractive.  I'm, of course, no different.  I'm not sure if for most the qualities desired are as complex as mine, perhaps they are, perhaps they're not, or perhaps they might be even if they don't think about them consciously.  I'm not sure.  Regardless, this is what I'm looking for:

Monogamy:

I believe in strict monogamy in a gay world that in some corners rebels against it for some idiotic reason.  It's not sticking it to straight people to intentionally rob yourself of a very fulfilling (and NOT straight only) institution. 

I believe that you meet someone, you go out with them, you both have a great time, and you both go out several more times.  You get to know each other, you talk, have fun, go places (even if they're simple dates like spending the afternoon in the park or hiking in the woods).  From there you decide mutually that there's a connection and you're both interested in going forward with it.  Sometime around this point monogamy is implied and should be in force.

I believe that at this point, all dating apps and websites must be deactivated.  And no, I don't buy the story that you use it for chatting and friends.  That's crap and we both know it.  If you see potential in a relationship, at some point it has to reach this level.  You have to want to give up looking and focus solely on the potential you have in front of you.

The trick is timing.  As a personal rule of thumb, I only go out with one person at a time.  Even if we only go out twice.  Sometimes people find this to be extreme.  I don't.  If I'm serious about finding someone to spend my life with, I'm going to give each potential person my undivided attention.  To me that's not unacceptable.  And it is what I require in another.  If you're not serious about possibly sticking around with me, then why not be my friend instead of trying to jump into bed with me.  In the future, if you decide that you really want me, then delete the apps and focus on me.  Otherwise, it's just friends with benefits... and I don't do that.

Physical Looks:

I don't have a type.  I don't care about eye color, skin color, or hair color.  In general, a guy would be about my height or shorter.  So that's something I guess.  A guy would be in decent shape or better--muscular, athletic, average, to slim.  I'm not one to fawn over six pack abs and body builder physiques though...  Frankly if you spend that much time in the gym we're not going to have much in common anyways.  But, you need to take care of yourself from a health perspective.  I don't date people that are overweight.  I don't find them attractive sexually or emotionally (in that way).  Just the same I don't find people that smoke, do drugs, or drink in excess attractive.  If you don't take care of your body, I don't find you attractive.  If you do, then yes you might be physically attractive to me.

The same rules apply for cleanliness and appearance.  Groom nicely and shower daily.  It's not difficult! In the same way, have decent teeth and brush them from time to time.

Conversely, don't obsess over yourself and your looks.  I don't find gym rats attractive for this reason.  If you spend so much time on how you look physically, I find you have spent so little time on you mentally, emotionally, or on interacting well with others.

I'll also add that I don't particularly care about penis size.  It's stupid that I even need to address this, but apparently I do for as much as I've seen it be a problem.  The only issue I have here is if you care one way or another about your own size.  It's not attractive if you feel inadequate or lack confidence sexually.  If you don't like you, why should I?  Likewise, it's not attractive if you're over confident, it just comes across as arrogant or self-centered.  I can't stand a guy who thinks he's -- forgive the pun -- cock-of-the-walk, because he has a large penis.  Reality check, I've seen bigger, much bigger, trust me I'm not joking.  The only way you're attractive to me is if you're a genuinely good person and you're confident, but not overconfident, in yourself. Of course showering and basic grooming wouldn't hurt.

Emotional State:

I'm looking for a guy who is stable.  As I've said, he should be confident in his abilities but not arrogant.  He should be happy for the most part, but not afraid to be sensitive and not afraid of displaying emotions when important.  He should also be self-sufficient, in that he should not ordinarily depend on me for his emotional well being.

This is key:  You need to WANT to be with me, not NEED to be with me.

Obviously, as a relationship grows, we grow closer together emotionally, and I love that aspect of a relationship.  But, when one guy depends on the other disproportionately, it creates an imbalance in the relationship, inevitably leading to one or the other breaking it off.  When one depends on the other for their emotional well-being, the other feels that they're being clingy and retreats.

When you need someone in your life, you are not secure enough in yourself to be in a relationship with another person.  Figure your stuff out first.  Be secure in yourself.  I'm not asking that you are Mr. Happy-go-lucky and never have issues and never hurt or have bad days.  Nonsense, we all do.  We all have monsters under our beds, so to speak, but the key is that we're not too petrified to leave our beds because of them.  I look for honesty and ownership of one's person.  Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses.  Own yourself, don't let your emotional state own you.

Mental State:

Be intelligent!  It's very attractive.  But don't be a dick about it.  Intelligence isn't about one-uppping each other.  It's about being mentally stimulating.  For me it's about the small things.  It's wandering around museum exhibits on the weekend and enjoying good books after dinner.  It's about being able to engage in political or philosophical discussions.  Through mental interactions we both grow as people.  We share with each other our experiences, the places we've been, the things we know, and in doing so grow closer together.  Intelligence is about having a passion for something and being able to talk about it for hours and hours just for the hell of it.  It's about not being ashamed for being a geek about something, whatever it is and embracing that inner geek because it translates into passion about something and passion is really sexy.

Goals and Dreams:

HAVE THEM!!  Have goals and dreams!  Goals are attainable, tangible things that someone wants to and has planned to achieve.  Dreams are those impossible things, that you'd love to do someday, but haven't (perhaps yet) found the path towards attaining.

Have life goals.  Here are mine:  Find someone that I'm madly and deeply in love with, who is madly and deeply in love with me, to spend the rest of our lives together.  Work hard, whatever or wherever the job is, to provide for the comfort of life that everyone should be able to have, even though it's increasingly difficult to do so.  I want to be secure financially, to be able to take vacations and explore, to enjoy life, to have a house in a good area with open space, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay for it.  I want to be able to balance my life between working for my goals and actually living them.  I want to have a family with the man I love.  I want to defy negative stereotypes of gay people and show doubters of my eligibility for equality that I am worth it and that I can and do achieve success in it.

Obviously we'll need to have some similar goals...  I'd want to marry the right guy.  He should want to as well.  We'd both want to be strictly monogamous.  We'd both want a family and all that comes along with that.  But other than that, just have goals:  Personal goals, professional goals, all kinds of goals.

Then there are dreams.  Dream big!  What do I dream?  I dream that someday I could support myself through my writing.  I dream that I could do so and stay home and take care of my kids.  I dream that someday my husband and I can go about our lives without ever having to think about how we're going to be perceived by others, without having to worry that we or our family will ever be treated differently because we are two men who love each other.

As long as your dreams are compatible with mine, which shouldn't be hard, you'd be compatible with me.

In Summary:

I know who I am.  I know what I'm looking for in life.  I won't stop until I find it.  And there's nothing in this life that will stop me from looking for it.

:)