Sunday, November 1, 2015

Final Update: On Myself, Love, and My Perfect Guy


I'm in a good place myself.  I am enjoying life more than I had in the past few years.  I feel like I've begun to settle into life in general after college.  It's sort of strange though, as just a few weeks ago I might have thought otherwise.  I had said otherwise.  But, it seems to be true.

I've focused more on myself lately.  I don't mean in a selfish way, but that I've spent time assessing life, where I've been, and where I'm going.  A lot has happened in the last three years, from graduating college, to a two year relationship ending, to moving around for work, to work itself.  There has been a LOT of change in my life and as I see it now, also a lack of stability.  But now that this has been addressed I move forward again and I feel that I'm ready and happy to do so, which is a welcome change.  I hope the feeling continues into the new year.


As I said, I'm ready to move forward.  Ostensibly, I have been "over" my ex for around two years now.  Perhaps a bit more.  After getting out of a serious relationship, it takes time to unwind and rework yourself before you're in a good mindset to try again.  I realize now that the relationship itself wasn't really good for me.  Nothing against the guy, he'd always been very nice, but our differences led to difficulty in the relationship.  But I digress, it doesn't matter anymore.

In time, I went out on dates and picked up Grindr again and met and/or spoke with many possible guys.  I went out with a few off and on.  But, it wasn't until recently that I have been ready to find a relationship again.  Though, I moved on from the relationship after the first year after the breakup but I wasn't looking to get into another one truthfully and wholehearted until recently.  I had wanted to take a break.  I had dated two guys... the last one and the one before, back-to-back for the better part of three years, more than half of college.  I needed time to myself to reorganize and reassess.  And, I did.

This past week working away from my home location, I had a lot (and I mean a lot) of time to dedicate thought, and I did use it.  I think it had been coming along for a while now.  I'm ready to make a new effort again.  A serious effort.  I've always put everything I've got into serious relationships (the two I've spoken of).  It takes a lot out of me at the same time, when they don't work out.

So, this morning I went through my computer and phone and deleted all of the old photos (particularly the private ones).  I took down three of my "dating" apps.  I'll keep grindr and okcupid.  But, I've also erased grindr.  Why?  Why any of this?  Because, I'm done playing around.  Finished.  I want to find something real, and something real isn't someone that leaves if you don't put out when you first meet.  Real isn't "Netflix and chill".  Real means that I'm confident in myself and ok with being alone in the meantime.  I don't need a random body lying next to me.

I will continue to do everything I can to make myself into the most perfect version of me that I can be.  And, then, I need to attract my perfect guy.


Everyone has a perfect guy.  They embody certain qualities and traits that they find most attractive.  I'm, of course, no different.  I'm not sure if for most the qualities desired are as complex as mine, perhaps they are, perhaps they're not, or perhaps they might be even if they don't think about them consciously.  I'm not sure.  Regardless, this is what I'm looking for:


I believe in strict monogamy in a gay world that in some corners rebels against it for some idiotic reason.  It's not sticking it to straight people to intentionally rob yourself of a very fulfilling (and NOT straight only) institution. 

I believe that you meet someone, you go out with them, you both have a great time, and you both go out several more times.  You get to know each other, you talk, have fun, go places (even if they're simple dates like spending the afternoon in the park or hiking in the woods).  From there you decide mutually that there's a connection and you're both interested in going forward with it.  Sometime around this point monogamy is implied and should be in force.

I believe that at this point, all dating apps and websites must be deactivated.  And no, I don't buy the story that you use it for chatting and friends.  That's crap and we both know it.  If you see potential in a relationship, at some point it has to reach this level.  You have to want to give up looking and focus solely on the potential you have in front of you.

The trick is timing.  As a personal rule of thumb, I only go out with one person at a time.  Even if we only go out twice.  Sometimes people find this to be extreme.  I don't.  If I'm serious about finding someone to spend my life with, I'm going to give each potential person my undivided attention.  To me that's not unacceptable.  And it is what I require in another.  If you're not serious about possibly sticking around with me, then why not be my friend instead of trying to jump into bed with me.  In the future, if you decide that you really want me, then delete the apps and focus on me.  Otherwise, it's just friends with benefits... and I don't do that.

Physical Looks:

I don't have a type.  I don't care about eye color, skin color, or hair color.  In general, a guy would be about my height or shorter.  So that's something I guess.  A guy would be in decent shape or better--muscular, athletic, average, to slim.  I'm not one to fawn over six pack abs and body builder physiques though...  Frankly if you spend that much time in the gym we're not going to have much in common anyways.  But, you need to take care of yourself from a health perspective.  I don't date people that are overweight.  I don't find them attractive sexually or emotionally (in that way).  Just the same I don't find people that smoke, do drugs, or drink in excess attractive.  If you don't take care of your body, I don't find you attractive.  If you do, then yes you might be physically attractive to me.

The same rules apply for cleanliness and appearance.  Groom nicely and shower daily.  It's not difficult! In the same way, have decent teeth and brush them from time to time.

Conversely, don't obsess over yourself and your looks.  I don't find gym rats attractive for this reason.  If you spend so much time on how you look physically, I find you have spent so little time on you mentally, emotionally, or on interacting well with others.

I'll also add that I don't particularly care about penis size.  It's stupid that I even need to address this, but apparently I do for as much as I've seen it be a problem.  The only issue I have here is if you care one way or another about your own size.  It's not attractive if you feel inadequate or lack confidence sexually.  If you don't like you, why should I?  Likewise, it's not attractive if you're over confident, it just comes across as arrogant or self-centered.  I can't stand a guy who thinks he's -- forgive the pun -- cock-of-the-walk, because he has a large penis.  Reality check, I've seen bigger, much bigger, trust me I'm not joking.  The only way you're attractive to me is if you're a genuinely good person and you're confident, but not overconfident, in yourself. Of course showering and basic grooming wouldn't hurt.

Emotional State:

I'm looking for a guy who is stable.  As I've said, he should be confident in his abilities but not arrogant.  He should be happy for the most part, but not afraid to be sensitive and not afraid of displaying emotions when important.  He should also be self-sufficient, in that he should not ordinarily depend on me for his emotional well being.

This is key:  You need to WANT to be with me, not NEED to be with me.

Obviously, as a relationship grows, we grow closer together emotionally, and I love that aspect of a relationship.  But, when one guy depends on the other disproportionately, it creates an imbalance in the relationship, inevitably leading to one or the other breaking it off.  When one depends on the other for their emotional well-being, the other feels that they're being clingy and retreats.

When you need someone in your life, you are not secure enough in yourself to be in a relationship with another person.  Figure your stuff out first.  Be secure in yourself.  I'm not asking that you are Mr. Happy-go-lucky and never have issues and never hurt or have bad days.  Nonsense, we all do.  We all have monsters under our beds, so to speak, but the key is that we're not too petrified to leave our beds because of them.  I look for honesty and ownership of one's person.  Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses.  Own yourself, don't let your emotional state own you.

Mental State:

Be intelligent!  It's very attractive.  But don't be a dick about it.  Intelligence isn't about one-uppping each other.  It's about being mentally stimulating.  For me it's about the small things.  It's wandering around museum exhibits on the weekend and enjoying good books after dinner.  It's about being able to engage in political or philosophical discussions.  Through mental interactions we both grow as people.  We share with each other our experiences, the places we've been, the things we know, and in doing so grow closer together.  Intelligence is about having a passion for something and being able to talk about it for hours and hours just for the hell of it.  It's about not being ashamed for being a geek about something, whatever it is and embracing that inner geek because it translates into passion about something and passion is really sexy.

Goals and Dreams:

HAVE THEM!!  Have goals and dreams!  Goals are attainable, tangible things that someone wants to and has planned to achieve.  Dreams are those impossible things, that you'd love to do someday, but haven't (perhaps yet) found the path towards attaining.

Have life goals.  Here are mine:  Find someone that I'm madly and deeply in love with, who is madly and deeply in love with me, to spend the rest of our lives together.  Work hard, whatever or wherever the job is, to provide for the comfort of life that everyone should be able to have, even though it's increasingly difficult to do so.  I want to be secure financially, to be able to take vacations and explore, to enjoy life, to have a house in a good area with open space, and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay for it.  I want to be able to balance my life between working for my goals and actually living them.  I want to have a family with the man I love.  I want to defy negative stereotypes of gay people and show doubters of my eligibility for equality that I am worth it and that I can and do achieve success in it.

Obviously we'll need to have some similar goals...  I'd want to marry the right guy.  He should want to as well.  We'd both want to be strictly monogamous.  We'd both want a family and all that comes along with that.  But other than that, just have goals:  Personal goals, professional goals, all kinds of goals.

Then there are dreams.  Dream big!  What do I dream?  I dream that someday I could support myself through my writing.  I dream that I could do so and stay home and take care of my kids.  I dream that someday my husband and I can go about our lives without ever having to think about how we're going to be perceived by others, without having to worry that we or our family will ever be treated differently because we are two men who love each other.

As long as your dreams are compatible with mine, which shouldn't be hard, you'd be compatible with me.

In Summary:

I know who I am.  I know what I'm looking for in life.  I won't stop until I find it.  And there's nothing in this life that will stop me from looking for it.


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