Monday, March 5, 2012

Make Something of Me

I took all the right paths.  Good grades in high school.  Very focused.  Went to college.  Graduated.  Went back and graduated with a Master's degree.  I always did well in school.  I just "got it".  I was fairly well liked.  I tried to be a good person.  And so on.

That's taken me to a dead end.  No one wants to hire me.  No one.  There are no jobs.  None.  For all the preparation and hard work, there is nothing.  Sometimes I sit here and wonder what there actually IS for me.  What is there?

What am I the best at?  We're always told that everyone has a talent.  We see them all the time.  Actors, athletes, musicians, etc.  People with undeniable talent in something.  Well what is my talent?  What in me will make me happy?  

I sit on my ass all day, surfing the web and doing nothing.  I work sure, but it's a bullshit job.  Overworked, underpaid, disappointment is my new middle name.  What is there for someone who did everything they were told they needed to do to reach that platform above which all are successful and below which I currently reside?  What course of action can I take if all previous courses of action have led to nothing?

It's not so bad to fail at something, but to fail at THE thing?  My career path ends at a river with no bridge.  I can walk as far up and downstream as I want, still seeing my goal on the other side, but I'm unable to reach it.  There is no bridge.

 And what am I good at anyway?  Maybe I win a moral victory with "good at hardworking" but moral victories don't cash out into real victories.  And, I've tried several different roads too.  Education, management, writing, music...  All failures.  What is there left for me? I don't feel "good" at anything anymore.  I don't feel like I have a place in the world.  Am I doomed to shitty job after shitty job until I curl up and die?

How can I make something of myself if everything I've done so far has led to absolutely nothing?  Where do I even start?

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