Monday, December 29, 2008

Some Happiness

Usually when I write it's about something I'm passionate about. Therefore, usually it's also to complain about something as it is now. Of course that's not all I am, but it does tend to be the most vocal part in this forum. After all, I'm rarely inspired to take the time to write about things that I like or that are going moderately well. And more so, rarely do things go so absolutely well that I feel compelled to write. Understandably, I come across as angry or cold or argumentative from time to time. Thusly then I would like to break up the unpleasantries... Enjoy.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Day 8 of 37

So I just tabulated the number of days for the first time this vacation and since I'm heading home (back) on the 25th, that'll be 29 more days. Not too too bad considering that summer consists of some 101 days. Oh well, I got outside today so at least now I'm in a bit of a better mood. When I'm not in a good mood, I tend to sulk and that doesn't help. So getting out into the real world helped. In the very least it was a change of scenery and that helped as well. Sunlight is always a positive in my book. Unfortunately I may not be seeing much more of it this break, other than the Wednesdays this month that I'll be heading back to tutor. (High school is still in session and I promised I'd help during finals period.) I've got to create my US History I curriculum for next semster as well as start on my US History II stuff as well. It'll be fun to finally teach but the work beforehand is sort of interesting and sort of irritating. Other than that I get to stress about applying to grad school. Of course, to teach one needs their M.Ed. (Masters of Education) and I do want to continue working with the program that I have been working with as an undergraduate. Of course, I have to apply and of course they could say no. That's particularly stressing me out, but I hope that if I get one more reference, when they get back to me, that I should be okay. It's the waiting time that is so stressful! If I don't get in here then I won't be very happy at all. Plus I'd have to go look for a job for next year, which I don't want to do, preferring rather to continue and finish completely my education before I turn into one of those older people wafting about the halls trying to recapture their youth. Frankly, I'd rather keep going at in now and then move on to the "real" world after if I can. Here's to hoping!

(29 more days!)

Friday, December 26, 2008

So, yup. Vacation, if I can call it that, is turning out just about the same way I thought it would. Fucking boring and fucking depressing. Oh yes, I'm going to bitch tonight. Fair warning. Here's what my day consists of here at "home": Get up around noon. Do nothing all afternoon except eat meals and watch TV. After dinner relocate to my room and surf the web until about 3 in the morning. Fun huh. Yeah right. There's nothing I want to do. No one here I'd want to be here with. And only about a half dozen people in the world that would make my life enjoyable. I know. Me me me. Well that's all that's here. Me. So it's not like I'm being dramatic or selfish. To be dramatic there has to be an audience and to be selfish there have to be other prospects. Quite honestly if I could sleep the next four weeks and if I didn't have things I needed to do in that time, I would do it in a fraction of a heart beat. Home sucks. Family sucks. Everyone else is doing their own things and I'm stuck here. I even have my car. Just no where to go. What a lousy way to spend my vacation. I shutter to think what life will be like after I graduate. Holy crap. This better not be all in the cards for my life. Talk about lonely! Goddamn it! That's all for tonight. I'm not in a writing mood.


Monday, December 15, 2008

Friday, December 12, 2008

Quite Possibly the Most Offensive Facebook Ad...

Facebook uses keywords from your profile to decide what ads you see in the ad bar. I saw this one today. Is there a single reason why I should find this funny? I think not.

Monday, December 8, 2008


So Facebook is stupid... Here are the ads I've gotten lately on the righthand banner that I think are idiotic and clearly not meant for me.


And my absolute favorite so far...

So, It's THAT Time of Year Again...

Undoubtedly there isn't a person alive who harbors more hatred to vacation than I do. I'm finished with my work. I get to go home, see my family, relax without a care... Except that there are cares and they revolve around my family. I am not myself at home, and I use that term loosely. Home that is. I have to be something else because what I am inside and out isn't quite welcome. Maybe it's only in my head. Maybe I imagine looks of grief and dismay when the perfect son doesn't turn out to be perfect in its accepted definition.

I gave up long ago the things that they value. I don't care about traditionality. I am not proper. I am not conservative. I do not believe that I should shun parts of what I am because others believe them to be wrong or incorrect or foolish. In many ways I am everything that they dislike. I am an atheist. I am gay. I am utterly liberal. I am brutally capable at defending myself in argument. And I do not respect them. They'll live with the atheism, it can be ignored. My family does a superb job at ignoring that which they don't like. They could even dismiss liberality if carefully worded. But bringing another man home to meet the family? I would be treated to a fight of Armageddon magnitude. But you know what, I'd still like to do it eventually. It's a price I'd pay gladly. I would lose my inheritance, which would do wonders for a teacher's salary. I would turn away and never look back. But most of all, I'd know I won. That they couldn't break me, that something good and pure came out of that accursed gene pool at least just once.

Theirs is a home of traditional values and of traditional solutions to traditional "problems". Theirs is a home of crippled emotion and scathing commentary. Going home is entering combat where every word is a bullet and every stare is a knife. And worst of all, on the surface remains the sugarcoat of love. Because we love you we want you to change. Because we love you, you must be wrong. Because we are looking out for your best interests you must obey. Love, just enough to keep you coming back. Just enough to make you feel bad about yourself. Just enough to make a good person love in return. But it is saccharin, a false sugar. Playing with your emotions it tears you between the person you are and the person that they want you to be.

Three and a half years ago I left that life behind, but every year I return and every year I must endure weeks and months of combat. Survival means the suppression of that which is different and strange to them. It hurts more and more every time -- fitting back into that mold as I have grown so much these few years. There I am alone because in the time I've taken to find myself, everyone I cared for have moved on. To grow into the person that I am becoming I grew away from them. Such is life. At any rate, they are reminders of the life I left behind.

So for me, the end of a semester always brings about a long dark shadow and what amounts to nothing less than a sickening, sulking sadness. It will assume control of my mind for most of January and not relent until I have returned back here again. I only fear that soon there will be no return and I don't know what I'm going to do with myself then. It's not that I fear losing what I am. That will not happen, I don't believe. But what will happen is unending misery, an everlasting searing burn that would continue to scar me deeper and deeper.

I need to create a life for myself and I will soon have to move on quickly. I don't know how to, but anyone who is understanding of my situation and anyone who values love and friendship, the full expression of oneself, and above all a tenet for which I hold much respect: be true to oneself and one another, then you are most welcome to walk with me. For the rest, I have said before and I will said it again: You are welcome to continue to live your life with liars and hatemongers, but you will see me no more.

Excuse me for my dreary rant, but its soothing.


Friday, December 5, 2008


It's funny sometimes how the things that I want to talk about hit me. Sometimes it's completely out of the blue and I have to find a pen and paper to leave myself a note so that I can push it from my mind and focus on whatever I need to do first. Ideas seem to come in spurts, two, three, six at a time. Sometimes I'll write something down and completely forget what it means later. I can't begin to tell you how annoying that is. Other times pressure builds in my mind. It builds and builds and I can't do anything at all. Like a foot asleep I cease to function until I post something.

When I began this endeavor more than three years ago, I didn't plan anything. I didn't think it would get this large or this far. I didn't think it wouldn't either. It never really crossed my mind. It was a stream of sanity in a sea of nonsense. I have to attribute the longevity of my postings (as I tend to be reasonably disinterested about doing things that don't have a clear cut end or goal) to an unending and many times irritating wonder. I wonder about things. This and that. Why is the most powerful question one can ask and many times it seems my mind gets stuck on that, for better or worse.

The next week will likely be devoid of postings, at least until I finish a bunch of work I need to do before I go on vacation. Vacation. Now that's something I can do without. But I'll leave that to another post sometime. This year has gone so fast, especially the last half. I can't believe it's almost over. It feels so unfinished, that there was so much potential to it, but time and way too much work takes that away. I don't know. This Fall hasn't been kind to me. Hopefully winter can help get my head back in place. Doubtful, but I'm rambling. So let's leave it at that. Here's to 2008: I hardly knew ye.