Letter to the Editor

Monday, January 21, 2009

Dear Department of Misplaced Items,

I hope that this letter finds you well. I, unfortunately, am not so well. I seemed to have misplaced a few household items. I would not be bothering you about them, if it were not for the fact that I assumed they would have turned up by now. I hope that you can help me locate them; they are of vital importance, and I have reason to believe that they have been stolen from me.

I approach you not without trepidation however, as I know your legendary ability to find lost objects, and too the complexities of your department to which occasionally one can contribute the lose of ones own self. But too, what I have lost track of is equally legendary, difficult to recover, and perhaps more so invaluable.

You see, dear sir or madam, that I seem to have lost my rights, and I cannot for the life of me understand where they have gone to. The situation has become grave, oh finder of misplaced items, for just yesterday, upon questioning my own kin as to the location of my rights, I was shocked to find that they did not recall my ever having rights. Indeed, they seemed a bit standoffish about the whole idea, as if I had uttered some dirty epithet.

I know that you are busy kind sir, genteel ma'am, so if undertaking my loss is too great at this time, I will certainly understand. If even a hundred others have lost that which I have, then you must be quite busy. Perhaps you could simply explain to me a few things regarding my loss in the hopes that such a thing need not happen again...

Why, kind person, does it seem that rights are such a scarce commodity? I should surely think that everyone would like at least a few. They seem so able to multiply. Yet, we lose them so easily. We do not fight to keep them safe from thieves and bandits. Quite frankly, I am baffled as to why this could be.

Why do we let our rights lie around gathering dust? Why do we shun those who wear their rights proudly? Why do we belittle their causes when, you see, they are fighting for all people's rights? It seems they do us a great service. Why then are they deemed dangerous? Crazy even? Was our great nation not built by people just like them?

And finally, my friend, I have noticed a new trend that I thought, if you do not already know of it, that I should tell you about. As of late, it seems that many people have been set to trade in their rights for material goods or monetary gain? They tell us that it brings us safety, but I cannot believe them. Safety from what exactly? What use is safety if we have not the rights that this safety is supposed to protect?

Thank-you for your time,

Guy Crestfallen

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Monday, August 25, 2009

Dear Guy Crestfallen,

Thank you for your expressed interest in contacting the Department. However, due to reasons concerning national security, your rights have been transferred overseas to compel others to see our vision of democracy and our core Christian values and will not likely return soon, or realistically in the same shape that you had left them.

It is with greatest regret that I inform you that your rights are being, not sold off onto another, but that your government has seen the need to force them onto them. It is as if they do not want them. They are confused and need to be shown the light. But there is consolation for you. Perhaps you would like to participate in our Rights' Exchange Program (REP). We have many old sets of our new friends' rights now, the same as they have yours.

Please allow me to review the package deal before you decided... I know how much you loved your freedoms, but they are in short supply amongst our new allies and we simply cannot spare them for everyone. However, in lieu of speech, press, petition, assembly, and a few others you have likely already forgotten, which are in the shortest of supply, you will receive the freedom to practice the new Christian state religion and the right to the safety promised by your illustrious and benevolent Commander and Chief, the great American President, George Walker Bush.

Fear not change good sir. In time you will come to miss your old rights less and less and become accustomed to your new better ones. You probably cannot remember them all anymore anyways and certainly you cannot recite them word for word or understand the sheer context of everything that was haphazardly and foolishly promised oh so many years ago.

Just know that your government is looking out for your safety by sending your rights overseas. When this time of extraordinary crisis ends, trust in your government to allocate you a new set of rights. Do not worry, patriotic citizen, remain silent to our enemies' condemnation of your Great Leader and hold your head high for you are doing it for the betterment of our free society.

Rest assured honest patriot,

The Department of Unnecessary Items