Sunday, January 21, 2007

Unbiased Baseball Predictions: 2007

Cy Young: Jonathan Papelbon
ERA: 3.10 W-L 19-4 K's: 248

Batting Title: Manny Ramirez
AVG: .331 HR: 37 RBI: 164

Red Sox will win the World Series.

Unwilling Dystopia

I welcome a time, a far, far off time, where conflict is absent, war has been silenced, and we can move on to more important issues like "What's for dinner?" and "What beats in the heart of a New England sports fan?". I welcome a day when we can realize that our differences in opinion are just that, differences in opinion, and they have, guess what, no tangible value whatsoever.

This planet needs a serious gulp of grow up juice. Are we honestly fighting wars over dino fodder? Over who's beliefs are true? Over invisible boundaries? Reality check. They're wrong if their views lead to the desire of killing people who think otherwise. And hold on to your silk collars there gentlemen, you who fight to end fighting are just as wrong if not more. You're in denial. The bloodthirstiness of a man primeval runs through your veins as much as it does those who're trying to kill you.

Society cannot justify war. There is no reason to spill blood. And until you realize that revenge is not a viable option you will continue to add to the problem. It's sad too, you know. Back in the day, all of us could just pack up our crap and float off to a tropical island somewhere. But not anymore, certainly not, not with nuclear warfare and Google Earth. Combined alone they push that thought away. So we bury ourselves in the information superslowway and do what we did for generations before, keep our heads down and wait out the storm. It's all we can do. You don't listen to reason. They don't listen to reason. And we don't want to be killed.

It's a shame too. A damn shame. We could have all learned something from us. But I'm not holding out any more hope than I can bear. You and they have yet to figure it out. And you and they wouldn't listen if we tried to explain. You probably think I'm a bit arrogant and elitist by now. And even more so now. And even more so by now. Etc. And they haven't even got half this far.

But I will ask one question for all those who are still reading... Why haven't you gotten what you wanted?

Answer: Because you are still willing to die for it.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Making It Easier Since Early This Morning

I realize that Google's multi-member blog can be confusing simply because they put the names of the authors at the very bottom of the articles. And since I'm always trying to make things easier, I've decided to make everything a bit easier. From now on anything written by me will be in its traditional color. However all posts by Dave or Terr, under the name TheDiscountedMonkeys will be highlighted in blue. Hopefully that clears up any undue difficulties.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Rantings of a Mad Man Part XII (Revised)

Based on personal experience I've come to a conclusion: There is a direct correlation between the attractiveness of the nurse and the discomfort had from bloodwork or an i.v. no bull shitting, I'm serious.

Do you have any idea how much money I could make if I had a time machine and a dozen PS3's?

Most boring jobs in the world....
  1. The guy that puts the dimples on golf balls.
  2. The guy who checks to see if jigsaw puzzles have all the right pieces.
  3. Ann Coulter's dietitian.
  4. Michael Moore's dietitian.
  5. ATM Braille installer.

The patent on Viagra has expired. Uh-oh.

Mark McGuire didn't into the Hall of Fame. One down, one to go. We're coming for you Barry.

Have you seen that new commercial about 3-5 second male enhancement? Yeah, it's called an erection Chief.

Your grandparents have had more sex that you.

Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for sniffing glue on the highway. He claimed false advertisement.

Orgasm clears the sinuses. I've already mentioned this, but I thought it was rather important.

The Apple iPhone? It's $600 fucking dollars! Excuse me Steve m'boy, are you trying to make people have to decide between oil heat and phones this winter?

Have you seen the Lunesta commercials, you know the sleep-aid with the butterflies? Why do they tell you that one side-affect of the medication is drowsiness? I figured that would be obvious, but maybe I'm wrong.

The Most Dangerous Jobs...

  1. Parachute tester.
  2. Kamikaze grenadier.
  3. Fork-in-toaster retriever.

I've given this a lot of thought and I've come up with the world's most random word. Ducksauce. If I needed a new screen name it would be that. (It is not that).

What is with washed up singers trying to get onto the silver screen? Do they actually think that if they failed at something that they were moderately good at that they would be good at something they have absolutely no talent in?

How old is Wilie Nelson? Seriously.

How big is the universe? The universe is in the shape of the five-dimensional equivalent of a sphere. Having there no means for mass to increase or decrease in the universe, gravity's power is always constant. Therefore the amount of gravity in the universe is always constant. Therefore, regardless of the size of the universe, one cannot escape gravity, as if you could escape gravity then you would escape the universe, which is impossible. This means that the universe's size must be less than the amount of gravity needed to keep you in it. So, how big is the universe? Well it's smaller than the amount of gravity needed to keep you in. Haha, you thought I had a real answer. Pft, not in a rant.

David Beckham will make more money next year in LA than Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, and Curt Schilling combined. Does that sound right to you? Or smart?

Why is there a legal limit of BAC? Does this really sound like a good thing? Aren't we just telling everyone that they can be a little drunk, but not too drunk if they want to drive?

Worst Names....

  1. Hortence
  2. Prudence
  3. Sorboni
  4. Ducksauce

If a library catches fire do you throw more fire at it or do you spray it with water? If people are shooting each other in Iraq do we throw more people at them?

Why are some dogs worth more than others? Seriously people, no dog is worth $1500!

Then again maybe cats should cost that much. At least then those batty old women would stop collecting vast arrays of our feline friends.

George Bush can now open our mail. Really? Him personally? Can a man who can't find his way out of a paper bag actually find his way into your mail? I doubt it.

How can American car companies actually be losing money? Have you seen how many goddamn Fords are on the road? Honestly, someone get them a financial advisor.

Something fishy is going on here. In this country there are five or six major airlines. And they're all going under? How is this possible? Seriously!


If the Patriots beat the Colts I promise not to bring them up on charges of animal abuse.