How I Feel

Let me get real for a second. I know that everything I say and everything that I believe are not the end all and be all. All I have in my voice and all that I can do is use it. As you can see, I've made a habit of using it, sometimes when I shouldn't have and many times when others wouldn't have. In life, my ultimate goal is to treat everyone as unconditional equals. Sometimes in standing up for one person or group of people I tend to alienate others and I don't mean to do that. I believe that every person creates for themselves their reason for existence. I've been working on mine these past months in an unprecedented fashion, right here out in the open where anyone in the entire world could happen upon it.

I could go about describing myself as many things, but above all else I think stubborn covers it. I do not bend in my opinions. I will not be beaten, sometimes even if it's inconsequential. I've lost a good number of friends and supporters that way and there's no chance I'm going to stop now. I've had to fight for everything I've ever believed in my entire life. I was educated in Catholic schools for through the eighth grade. That did me a great disservice. Not because of their beliefs, but because they make it seem like theirs is the only way. I've fought my way out of this indoctrination for much of the last five years. They always said talked about how bad it was for someone on the outside, a non-believer. Contrarily, I've only found myself in their absence. I am stubborn and I was stubborn even to myself trying to let go of those beliefs. But I've done so now and am stronger in my beliefs for it.

I hurt when I see people hurt. I won't even watch the news if I'm in one of my moods. They say that you don't really understand the pain if you don't experience it firsthand. This I could never believe. I hurt when people I care about hurt. And I care about everyone. Why? Because I wouldn't wish the pain I've felt on anyone. I couldn't wish pain on another, even if they hurt me. That's why I hurt. It's all cyclical. I hurt because I hurt because I was hurt or others were hurt. Trust me when I say, it's the kind of thing that eats your insides, tears you apart from within.

I am completely unwavering in my beliefs, because there was a time in my life where beliefs were all that I had. They helped me out of it and I know that I can depend on them to shield me from things like guilt or fear. That is why I try to show no fear. That is why I try to show no guilt. I suppress pain as a way to cope with it. It's not that I want to, it's that I've never had another way to deal with it, never had anyone that I could trust with my most painful feelings and experiences.

Pain is self-replicating. Sometimes it consumes me. Triggered by an external event, I refocus on the bad times. Every painful thing that has ever happened to me seems to roar back and take up residence in my mind. Anger, a misconception, stubborn aggression really dictates these moods. See that and know what I feel like. Don't try to understand my pain. It only adds to my pain, that you couldn't understand what I feel, that words couldn't express the meaning behind my feelings. Just show me that you'll be waiting for me on the other side. Show me you're my friend.

These past couple of months have been above and beyond all expectations. I've been able to put my past behind me for longer periods of time than ever before. And I know that sometimes I'm a bit unbearable, but I don't mean to be. Sometimes things that are said rub me the wrong way. It's bound to happen. Just let me say one thing more. The thing that you say to or about me will hurt me, but I won't stop caring about you. There's nothing that you can say or do that would make me hate you. Nothing. First and foremost, I will not allow myself to perpetuate pain, as I've mercilessly been dealt in the past.